[pushes panic button in the middle of MRI]

Tech: Are you okay? Do you have any questions?

Me: Yeah. Who sang the song that was just playing?

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My husband has started pronouncing s’mores like schmores so I guess were at the growing old together stage.


When your coworker tells you they are getting a divorce a high five is not the right answer.

Or so I’ve been told.

Twice now.


salesman: you’ll like this car

me: how many dogs fit in it

salesman: how many what

me: dogs. come on dude have you never sold cars before


When she stops crying and gets really quiet, keep your guard up. You’re experiencing what scientists refer to as “the eye of the shitstorm.”


Dear guy lighting bottle rocket fuses with a cigarette that’s still in your mouth,

You’re going as a pirate for Halloween.


Teacher: Write what you know.

Student: *writes “what you know.”*


OBAMA: I want to close Gitmo
GOP: no
OBAMA: But you haven’t even—
GOP: no
GOP: no
OBAMA: I’m resigning
GOP: no
OBAMA: haha gotcha


I just want to have the poker face of a toddler that tells you that they didn’t poop their pants.


Guy on Tinder: I speak 12 languages
Guy on Tinder: I made my niece a yacht out of chewing gum, balsa wood, and macaroni
Me: *plays the kazoo perfectly with my left nostril