@theshantilly

[pushes panic button in the middle of MRI]

Tech: Are you okay? Do you have any questions?

Me: Yeah. Who sang the song that was just playing?

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@Divergentmama

My husband has started pronouncing s’mores like schmores so I guess were at the growing old together stage.

@LoveYoorFate

When your coworker tells you they are getting a divorce a high five is not the right answer.

Or so I’ve been told.

Twice now.

@Reverend_Scott

salesman: you’ll like this car

me: how many dogs fit in it

salesman: how many what

me: dogs. come on dude have you never sold cars before

@noogscorner

When she stops crying and gets really quiet, keep your guard up. You’re experiencing what scientists refer to as “the eye of the shitstorm.”

@rickolantern

Dear guy lighting bottle rocket fuses with a cigarette that’s still in your mouth,

You’re going as a pirate for Halloween.

@Mardigroan

Teacher: Write what you know.

Student: *writes “what you know.”*

@goldengateblond

OBAMA: I want to close Gitmo
GOP: no
OBAMA: But you haven’t even—
GOP: no
OBAMA: …
GOP: no
OBAMA: I’m resigning
GOP: no
OBAMA: haha gotcha

@DowntimeDad

I just want to have the poker face of a toddler that tells you that they didn’t poop their pants.

@VikingBut

Guy on Tinder: I speak 12 languages
Me:
Guy on Tinder: I made my niece a yacht out of chewing gum, balsa wood, and macaroni
Me: *plays the kazoo perfectly with my left nostril