[pushing cheese slice into ATM which is repeatedly rejected] you don’t know value
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“Bears are omnivores so if you think about it, eating porridge makes perfect sense.”
my date: *heavy sigh* “Ok. Do you have a second favorite book?”
Drugs are great until they fall into the wrong hands. I am referring, of course, to the cops or people who don’t enjoy life.
strict parents don’t know how to cope with having an adult child so they have to make up problems. four years ago someone found my wallet outside and dropped it off at a precinct. the police called to return it. to this day my mother refers to it as my “run in with the police”
Obviously if someone’s in your trunk, the carpool lane is an option.
[date]
Me: *ok don’t let her know I’m a bull*
Her: “so what are some red flags for you?”
Me: *sweating* “haha red flags? Where?”
Please, my pastrami on rye. It’s very sick.
The other day I opened the center console in my wife’s vehicle and chap sticks sprang out of there like snakes in a can.
Ok, but like, how married are you?
omg my backyard is so spooky at night! the crickets, the raccoons, the old woman with no eyes in the white veil, the frogs etc
It’s ok computer, I go to sleep after 20 minutes of inactivity too.
Me: His breathing annoys me. Always with the in and out and back in again. Like, enough already.
Marriage Counsellor: …
I tried to be domestic & cook. Microwave is on fire. A waffle maker, 3 pans, a toaster & my neighbors cat in the trash. Making soup is HARD!
Me: What is wrong with me?
Brain: You don’t listen, you’re lazy, zero etiquette, you’re broke with no ambition AND you have weird thoughts that you act out like a play.
Me: Sry, you lost me at “I don’t listen”.
Walmart flexes on me by putting two gallons of milk and a cantaloupe in one bag and a single taco seasoning packet in another.
The only reason to engage with a neighbor is if either of you is on fire.
Autocorrect always tries to correct JFC to KFC. Because who doesn’t naturally scream about fried chicken, when being somewhat flabbergasted or expressive in posts?
I added someone as a friend 2 years ago but they haven’t responded. They must be really busy.
Secretly the cops in Gotham City must be like “Seriously, Batman, if you want to use guns, none of us mind. We’re all cool with it”.
My kid has been home since March 2020 and I don’t know what this says about me as a parent but tbh I’m actually really going to miss him when he starts school again next week…now who is going to do laundry, feed the dog, and switch out the dishwasher?
Son: I don’t like it when the house pees on me
Me: OMG just get in the shower
Everyone is talking about the baby boom that’s coming nine months after quarantine, but no one is talking about how the divorce rate is gonna skyrocket.
Murder of crows on trial according to the probable caws statement.
I think
Therefore I am
Tongue tied
(Seductively stripping out of clothes)
Gynecologist: Please stop that.
take me to the middle of the desert and just leave me there
this article brought to you by lions
*buys dog mask*
*shits on neighbors’ lawn*
[first day as a Twitter designer]
Never mind an edit button. What people really want are round avis.
Peeling onions is great because you get to cry about everything in front of your kids and blame supper.
sloth: *arriving at his prison cell*
prison guard: ok you’re free to go