People who say ‘be careful what you wish for’ have obviously never wished for free, unprotected, unlimited wifi from their neighbor.
[pushing cheese slice into ATM which is repeatedly rejected] you don’t know value
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scarlet joe hanson sounds like an old timey boxer’s name. “weighin’ in at 182 lbs, 5’9″, the ol’ black widow, scarlet jooooooe hansen!”
Me (internally): Please say bedridden, please say bedridden…
Dr: You look great! See you again for a check up next year.
would Medusa wear a hat
like this OR like this
I think I have resting watching sex scene with my parents face
Relationship Status: just tried to reach for my dog’s paw and he pulled it away so I pretended I was reaching for the remote.
When I hear commercials say “win a trip for you and six friends” I start counting to see if I have six friends.
He took both kids grocery shopping by himself so I could “relax” so now I’m sitting here suspicious that he’s done something to piss me off.
It turns out the answer to my problems wasn’t at the bottom of this pint of ice cream, but the important thing is that I tried.
My son just walked into the room, said hello, asked how I was, then left.
He didn’t actually want anything.
I know! Incredible!
Oh and then I fainted.