[pushing my son in his stroller]
Stranger: awww aren’t you adorable! how old are you?
Me: 35
Stranger: I was talking to him
Me: He doesn’t know how old I am.
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All frogs are automatically my friends, I’m sorry I just can’t imagine a situation where a frog is unworthy of my eternal devotion
The final dance in Dirty Dancing, but they’re dancing to The Muppet Show theme tune.
I just ran into my high school bully and it was great cause I’m doing well and he’s 17 which is very old for a dog
My oldest played with BPA free toys that I sterilized constantly. My youngest is playing with a metal coat hanger and a AA battery.
Doctor: How long have you been in pain?
Women: It started at 7:45am on Monday while I was at work
Men: Sometime between yesterday and 1997
Me: you need to do your homework
9: my teacher knows all the answers, why doesn’t she just do it herself
Husband: Quick. What’s this song?
Me: Awful.
*knock on the door
Satan: Yes?
Santa (pissed): STILL getting your mail!
Buying a girl drinks at the bar is played out. You gotta send a pizza & a basket of wings to her table
dear diary
today i got to first base
it was a rebel base
i destroyed it
JERY: Maybe you can just go back
TERESA MAY: go back ?
JERY: Ya. pretend brexit never happened.
MAY: you mean just walk into the EU meeting on Monday morning like it never hapened?
JERY: Sure. People dont take england seriously
I’m still writing “Slovakia” on all my Czechs.
(you can unfollow me at anytime)
Thinking about the time we told our 5 yo we were moving and he said he was gonna miss us.
The most unbelievable thing about Die Hard is that the office Christmas Party is happening on Christmas Eve.
Husband: It’s nice but we’re looking for something bigger
Me, a realtor: Absolutely
Wife: And not a bounce house
Me: *bouncing more softly* How do you mean
ME: *does something stupid*
I hope no one saw me do thatALSO ME: *texting all my friends* Listen to what I just did
Plucked an unruly wiry white hair from my head and then missed it instantly 😔
Every app is fighting for their life with push notifications and growth hacks, meanwhile wordle is right there having us do our daily pilgrimage to a mobile website
God: welcome to heaven!
Me: but i didn’t believe in you.
God: yeah i get that a lot.
Me: so… we’re all good then?
God: lmao no I just wanted to do this *reaches for lever*
Yes, I did a photo shoot with my thesis. Longest labor ever. #phdlife
monster under my bed: I’m gonna eat you
me: [pulls covers over head] your move
I really wish Facebook would stop suggesting that I make a FB story while showing me the most recent photo in my camera roll, it’s my freaking grocery shopping list
The pottery scene from ghost but it’s me behind you adding more mayo while you’re making me a sandwich.
“Where have you been all my life?”
In a secure psychiatric unit. Next question.
Therapist: You have passive aggressive issues.
Me (under my breath): says the woman who only listens to my troubles because I pay her.
My neighbors are having a terrible fight in the front yard. I mean hanging Christmas lights. Same.
Only take relationship advice from people who have really healthy relationships. So, no one
If a cop pulls you over & asks if you know why. Answer “are you giving me a ticket or a quiz” for a free ride in their car.
Friend: “Send me that picture we took last night, we probably look so good!”
The picture:
[death row]
Okay Johnson, it’s time. Any last requests?
Pardon me?
I said it’s time, any last—ah I see what you did there, Johnson. Good one