*Pushing the unlock button on my car key as I approach the front door to my house
Nah, I ain’t distracted.
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The homework is due on Monday.
“Can I get an extension?”
The homework is due on Monday.png
[Husband 911]
Me: I just shattered the gravy boat.
911: She’ll kill you.
M: I know.
911: We never spoke.
M: What?
911: Good luck
* Click *
COP: Do you know why I stopped you?
HIM: We were going too fast?
COP: Yes. Get to know her first. Don’t just talk about yourself either.
STOP KILLING CHEETAHS TO MAKE CHEETOS
[hotel fire alarm]
M: *in pjs* How did people get dressed and outside so quickly?
H: It’s 10am, they were already dressed.
M: impressive
Well, the mechanic called. Apparently, in addition to a muffler, my car also needs a new car.
I hate when people use words without knowing the meaning…gives me a huge hysterectomy on the side of my head.
Life’s too short to have your shit together.
Your metabolism after age 40 is like, “Nah, I like you fat.”
Sometimes you just gotta be happy the kid is vacuuming her own room and overlook the fact that she’s making figure 8s
I’m not stalking you. I’m trying to help you find that sock that you dropped behind the door before you left for work Wednesday at 7:04.
Boyf said I look really pretty when I’m concentrating…I realised its cos I’m quiet! Either way it’s the last time I let him watch me poo
A scientist who studies Adam’s apples is called a guyneckologist.
Doctor: you’re not going to make it
Me: give me a number doc
Doctor: 8
Me: *pees into a cup 8 feet away*
Doctor: damn son
my gf bought a table, a doily, and then a much smaller table and a much smaller doily
Wife: Why don’t you buy me flowers?
Me: I didn’t realise you sold them. Also why are you talking like a pirate?
I had to walk behind my teenager during his zoom class in order to go to the bathroom and now his peers know that he has parents. THAT HE LIVES WITH. He’s obviously very upset. Please send him your thoughts and prayers during this difficult time.
ME: “I don’t want to talk about it it’s too long of a story I’m exhausted and I’m over it”
ALSO ME ONE HOUR LATER: “Oh that’s not even the craziest part listen to this shit”
Someone told me carrots with dry ranch seasoning tastes like Doritos, do not tell me this pandemic didn’t mess with people’s minds. You know what tastes like Doritos? Doritos.
I love how insurance companies offer “accident forgiveness” like they’re some sort of ancient deity pardoning your existence.
How I read news articles:
1. Read the headline
2. Go directly to the comment section
3. Have a meltdown
Sometimes you’re the cat’s meow, sometimes you’re the hairball.
will you marry me?
“OMG YES! I love you!!!”
*imagines typing only 4 characters for ‘wife’ instead of ‘girlfriend’ on Twitter*
I love you too
Marriage teaches you a lot about yourself. For instance, I’ve learned that I don’t need to use so many paper towels, and they’re expensive.
My neighbor started mowing his yard at 6am so I opened all my windows and vacuumed because I don’t understand how revenge works.
ME: We left the kids at their grandparents
FRIEND: Date night?
ME: No we just don’t like them anymore
Don’t let Hollywood fool you. I was in an orphanage for 13 yrs and we only broke into a song & choreographed dance twice
Elbows may look like chicken skin, but they don’t fry up the same.
Sometimes I answer your rhetorical questions because I think you are that stupid.
Flex on your mother in-law by leaving nursing home pamphlets lying around the house.