*Pushing the unlock button on my car key as I approach the front door to my house

Nah, I ain’t distracted.

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My 5yo is a pretty good drawer but there’s only so many t-shirts you can fit into a tiny person.


I’m not making a snap judgment of you. I’ve been following you around the grocery store for 15 minutes.


A disease that kills you and can only be spread through the transmission of bodily fluids. Are we sure we’re not talking about marriage?


Dog people always act like dogs are so much better than cats but as a cat person just wanna say that you never see cats working with the cops


“you’re an adult why do you watch cartoons” bc cartoons are infinitely more relatable

movie: character encounters a problem and effectively resolves it in 2 hours

cartoon: just insane bullshit happening all the time and it’s on for 20 years



…..but feel free to be somewhat skeptical from time-to-time


A great summer prank is to park your car just outside the mall with a fully cooked ham in baby clothes strapped into a child seat.


My 4yo asked me where people go when they die.
I told her: “I don’t know, but it wouldn’t hurt to check under your bed last thing at night.”


The spider I let live in my kitchen is letting the bugs run amok. No free rides!
Your days are numbered missy.