@JustMeTurtle

*Pushing the unlock button on my car key as I approach the front door to my house

Nah, I ain’t distracted.

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@GrowlyGrego

My 5yo is a pretty good drawer but there’s only so many t-shirts you can fit into a tiny person.

@Henry_3k

I’m not making a snap judgment of you. I’ve been following you around the grocery store for 15 minutes.

@theshamingofjay

A disease that kills you and can only be spread through the transmission of bodily fluids. Are we sure we’re not talking about marriage?

@KivanBay

Dog people always act like dogs are so much better than cats but as a cat person just wanna say that you never see cats working with the cops

@InternetHippo

“you’re an adult why do you watch cartoons” bc cartoons are infinitely more relatable

movie: character encounters a problem and effectively resolves it in 2 hours

cartoon: just insane bullshit happening all the time and it’s on for 20 years

@T_Bonezzz_

DON’T STOP BELIEVING!

…..but feel free to be somewhat skeptical from time-to-time

@WheelTod

A great summer prank is to park your car just outside the mall with a fully cooked ham in baby clothes strapped into a child seat.

@WheelTod

My 4yo asked me where people go when they die.
I told her: “I don’t know, but it wouldn’t hurt to check under your bed last thing at night.”

@kwirkyKerri

The spider I let live in my kitchen is letting the bugs run amok. No free rides!
Your days are numbered missy.