Put a kid in a lake or a river and they never want to come out. Turn on a shower and it’s like you’re blasting them with nuclear waste.
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I hate airplanes and flying. It’s like someone throwing a can full of people over the ocean and hoping someone in Europe will catch it.
[about to be murdered]
Oh thank god. I was literally having THE. WORST. DAY.
you are so beautiful without makeup.
-my husband, after he saw i spent $62 on an eyeshadow.
LAWYER: ur dad’s estate—
ME: who called it executing a will instead of splittin heirs
L: he said if u made a dumb joke u get nothing
M: shit
Dominicans be naughty on purpose so they can get coal from Santa for their hookahs
Time zones shouldn’t be based on geography, they should be based on age. For example, you may think it’s only 10:30, but for a 40yo, it’s actually two in the morning.
I sure wish my boss would accept that “new challenges” are never going to excite me. Like I majored in English solely because I already knew how to speak it
If the doctor is running over 30 minutes late, they should have to tell you what was going on with their last patient that took so long. I don’t mind waiting, but give me the goss
I like to keep my husband on his toes by texting, “How could you do this to me?” at least 2 times per day.
Her: I have butterflies in my stomach
Me (trying to impress): My skull is full of wasps
It is possible to fail a cheese-making class but you have to eat your entire final exam to find out.
ME: *brings my mom to a knife fight*
MOM: *shouting* use your words!
MOM: *chasing knife fighters away with a broom* I know your mothers!
I was shopping the Netherlands Amazon site and the shopping cart is called the “winklewagen” and now I can’t stop thinking about that.
WIFE: I just read that men are five times more likely to be struck by lightning than women.
ME *on the roof in my He-Man costume with my sword* BY THE POWER OF GRAYSKULL WHAT HONEY?
Let’s continue this argument later on when I’m alone in the shower and you’re not there to defend yourself
*after sex
No, you cannot sleep over.
Husband:
you idiots wanna bring back the 90s but I haven’t seen a single zigzag part in anybody’s hair
I hate handshakes. The bones really mess up the blender and the knuckles are hard to swallow.
Good Cop: If you confess now, you’ll probably just get probation.
Fad Cop: Hey Macarena!
It is not a middle finger
It is my unicorn fist
Show your guy you love him by making him lasagna.
Write his name in the cheese.
Leave it on his porch.
His wife is home.
Write hers too.
A fun thing to do on a first date is to slip into conversation that you were homeschooled then immediately be baffled by a fork.
This is a really bad idea. When do we start?
Me: So if a bunch of people have infections do you guys have a staph meeting?
Doctor: I’m going to give you a shot to help me relax
student loan “forgiveness?” so you admit. student loans are a sin.
growing up, nothing was ever more unsettling than when you were at a friend’s house and found out they had weird names for their grandparents. who the f*** is gum-gum
A sheep walks into a bar. Lots more sheep follow, the barman counts them and falls asleep, the sheep help themselves to free drinks. Genius.
been a while since romaine lettuce has tried to kill us.
the world is kind of a disaster anyways let’s do a Jurassic park, dinosaurs deserve another go