Put a kid in a lake or a river and they never want to come out. Turn on a shower and it’s like you’re blasting them with nuclear waste.

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My husband and I decided to be more honest with each other. In related news, he’s been sleeping on the couch.


I’m always here for you unless someone better looking needs me


HER: how was your day?

ME: you know in Die Hard when he runs barefoot over broken glass?

HER: it was that bad??

ME: oh no, it’s just a cool scene…my day was decent


[creating scorpions]

satan: hey god, can I borrow that lobster for just a second


Protip: If your coworker has a picture of herself and her dog labeled “Beauty and the Beast” you shouldn’t ask her which one is which.


My children were pretending to lead a workout class, and one of them stopped and yelled “tater tot break” and this is a fitness trend I can fully embrace.


“What are you doing tonight?”

Gonna smoke some Herb.


-guys who work in a crematorium


stop whining about losing your ‘hot years’ to covid. some of us lost our hot years to not being hot