Put a mirror on the ceiling.
She said.
It will be sexy.
She said.
Terrify yourself every morning.
I found out.
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Modern Warfare: a $700,000,000 dollar plane drops a $50,000 bomb on a $1.00 tent
Me: My wife got me a telescope for Christmas.
Neighbor: Nice. I got-
Me: I know. I watched you guys open everything
My Conservative Uncle Read More Thanksgiving Argument Guides Than Me and Turned Me Racist
Sorry I’m late, there was a dad yelling at his teenage son for buying $90 jeans and I had to hear every word of it.
let us all return to a simpler time, such as when i believed astroturf was farmed in space and brought to earth
I wish it was socially acceptable to push someone back through a door if they don’t say thank you when you hold it for them.
I pick up my dog’s poop with empty Snickers wrappers. What I do with it afterwards is strictly on a need-to-know basis.
The microwave really puts 1 minute into perspective, doesn’t it?
Parenting talk translated.
“Come on you’re very tired, you need to get to bed.”
Actually means:
“Come on, I’m very tired, you need to get to bed.”
a horse standing on its tiptoes after seeing a giraffe
BELLE: I love you
BEAST: You broke the curse!
[transforms into hideously ugly man]BELLE: Welp, guess you’re all good. I gotta roll. Peace
cannibals be like “lose 20 pounds in a week” then eat your arm
Me: Come on eat that.
Miss 10: I don’t want it, it makes me want to throw up.
[Sees my face].
10: In a good way.
If you’ve ever wondered how many days you can reuse the same lemon wedge in your water pitcher in the refrigerator, the answer is not 11.
5-year-old thought it was living room and dying room as opposed to living room and dining room. No wonder meal times have been so stressful.
Me: Then the robber came through the door holding a gun
Cop: Was it a revolver?
Me: No he just pushed it open and walked through like normal
If I had to describe this trip to the mall, it’d be Blood Bath & Beyond.
Money doesn’t grow on trees sounds like something rich people would say so you don’t go looking for their money trees
I ordered a $9.00 salad on a food delivery app. That’s $57.00 I’ll never see again.
We like to vilify hot people, but it’s important to know that people who aren’t hot are also terrible.
Interviewer: So why do you want this job?
Me: I don’t. I want money.
Me: “If I need another drink, do you prefer if I rattle my glass or snap my fingers?”
Her:
Son: I want a LEGO Millennium Falcon for Christmas
Me: *checking price online* would you settle for the actual Millennium Falcon?
My son just informed me that they have been out of soap in the kids’ bathroom for 2 days, but not to worry because he’s been using conditioner to wash his hands.
It’s possible to suck at everything if you put your mouth to it.
If you hold your ear up to the seashell at my house, you can hear my wife yelling at me for peeing in the ocean.
[Guy on the Death Star who’s really sick of hearing Vader’s breathing but is too scared to say anything]: I’m going to put on some music
When you try jalapeños for the first time
A headhunter on LinkedIn wanted me to apply for a job as a bank manager. That’s quality recruitment work right there. Get the English major to run your bank.
I’m not entirely sure what numbers are. When I buy something, I just hand over an amount of money and hope it’s right.