put a pic of a girl with perfect abs on my fridge so I’m motivated to suck in my gut every time I pull out the ice cream
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what it’s like dating me:
GF: “I’m telling you now! Size does not matter, it doesn’t make you any less important.”
BF: “Yeah? Well explain that to Pluto.”
Me: who called it a prison cell air duct instead of a convent
Nun: that’s not funny
Escaped Prisoner (hiding in the air duct): it kinda is
They want us to stay current with our training, yet the training videos show people using BlackBerries.
My vacuum could suck up a bathroom rug & a couple of Pekinese, then is like, “Now you’ve gone too far” with a piece of thread.
My friend sneezed and I didn’t say “God bless you” and I had to watch helplessly as demons appeared and dragged him to hell.
All the observable evidence suggests that, if I was much worse at my job, I’d be more likely to get a promotion to senior management.
Just Once i’d like the Circus to Run Away with Me
ibopfufen
I bought myself flowers at the store because I thought they were pretty.
Husband: Did I do something?
Me: No.
Husband: What’s the date?
Me: April 10th.
Husband: Is that an important date signifying anything?
Me: No.
Husband: Are you sure?
Me: Yes.
Husband, sweating: ok
DORA: “What was YOUR favorite part?!”
ME:
DORA:
ME:
DORA: “I like that part too.”
some people try so hard to be anti technology “i don’t watch tv i watch the sunrise and my favorite director is god” can u calm down
You never forget the first 800 people you sacrifice to Satan.
One good thing about astrology, I can tweet something mean about astrology and astrology Twitter is cool with it. Like I can say, “Cut it out, astrology, you’re embarrassing the planets,” and it gets retweeted 10,000 times, and astrology Twitter is just like: “Are you a Scorpio?”
my 4yo threw a tantrum because I wouldn’t lock him in a storage bin & reader, I hesitated
“do you know the best way to get rid of a wasp nest?”
no, try using your phone
[throws phone and hits wasp nest]
*running* I meant google it
Yeah, I use She pronouns.
But not like a girl, like a boat.
*turns TV off*
“THEY HAD CAMERAS EVERYWHERE BUT NOBODY SAW THE TOYS WALKING AROUND?!”– me every time I watch Toy Story 3
Half the jobs my four-year-old wants when he grows up don’t even exist. WTF is a “karate astronaut”?
I’m like 4% cute and 98% bad at math.
“losing/taking virginity”
– turns sex into an object
– places pressure on the decision
– you don’t actually lose or take anything ?“sexual debut”
– exciting
– all focus is on u
– suggests a musical number is involved
My friend’s DoorDash was stolen by a raccoon right after the same thing happened in Florida and I think we might have an orca situation going on here.
i sent all my sims to universitey & they all became computer scientists & proved they were living in a simulation so i unpluged my computor
While staying at hotels, I always ask for the oil stained parking lot view
*completely destroys wrapping paper by trying to swiftly glide the scissors to cut it*
You’d think after 12 years of filming Boyhood someone would be like hey maybe we should make this good.
I like a baked potato because the name is the instructions.
dividing 75 by 2 to get 37.5……. awful experience. wouldn’t wish it on anyone
When the atm charges you 3.50 to take out your own money but tells you to cover your pin so you don’t get robbed
my 1-year-old just said “if politicians were more concerned with serving their constituents and less with appeasing their plutochrat overlords, then the rampant income inequality at the heart of our society’s disfunction might not exist goo goo ga ga” and honestly i felt that