Put a ring on it
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[crumpled up paper on floor]
*tries to flip it up like hacky sack*
*tries to flip it up…*
*tries to flip…*
*tries…**leaves it*
*gives up being Catholic for Lent*
God: damn it… they’ve found the loophole
My 4-year-old is playing doctor with her baby dolls.
She walked by a minute ago holding just a leg.
Surgery didn’t go well.
Sex at 20: yes baby rearrange my guts
Sex at 40: be careful my gut is still a little bloated from all those bread sticks
I can’t believe there was a time in my life when someone had to make me take a nap.
I’m so jealous that guys can poop standing up
HELLO, FIRST TIME CALLER, LONG TIME LISTENER, OCCASIONAL MURDERER.
Telemarketer: Let me tell you why our car insurance is better.
(10 minutes later)
My mom: You better email me that meatloaf recipe, Sue, and I hope they drop the drug charges against Ricky Jo!
I remember when spring break meant a week on Padre Island parting with my friends, and now it’s spent hoping my kids aren’t on Padre Island partying with their friends.
It turns out the only way to get my kids to flush the toilet is for me to be showering when they use it.
FRIEND: OMG I’m so glad to get away from my kids for a bit
ME: haha yeah I don’t think I’ll ever have kids
FRIEND: no it’s the best
I needed this today. He takes a break. Lol
Orion’s belt? Waist of space!
“That’s close enough…”
~Government worker
My teens cleaned their rooms & according to my sink & countertops, they’ve been hoarding my whole kitchen.
My neighbors had the nerve to say I give them creepy looks but I don’t understand how they can see my eyes behind my binoculars
Surgeon: I can’t find the clot
Wife: *from gallery* oh BIG surprise
Dear people who combine Christmas and birthday gifts,
WE HATE YOU!
Sincerely,
Everyone born in December.
The people at this winery are acting like they’ve never seen someone pull a rotisserie chicken out of a purse before.
Considering teaching a whole seminar solely on this tweet
What a spectacular disaster may I get your recipe?
Im writing a parenting book called kids won’t listen until you scream like your mother did.
How strict is the “I licked it, it’s mine” policy?
There’s some things I’ve licked that I don’t want.
I howl at the moon for fun and absolutely shit myself as the moon howls back, inciting several other moons in the solar system to also howl at me
Maid of Honor speeches shouldn’t end with, “I’ll see you all at her next one.” I know that now.
Hey, did you know that if you leave clean clothes on the floor for long enough they become dirty clothes?
If your opponent cracks his knuckles before a fight, have comfort knowing that osteoarthritis will, in due time, avenge your savage beating.
Me: Sometimes I eat even tho I’m not hungry
Doctor: You need to listen to your body
My Body: *mouth full of donuts* WE SHOULD GET MORE OF THESE LOL
Not many people knew that Albert Einstein had a brother that was an evil scientist that experimented with cadavers.
His name was Frank
6-year-old: Santa’s not real.
Me: That’s right.
6: So I can be bad.
Me: That’s wrong.