@AnnoyedWasp
@iamburtjarvis
[radioshack meeting]
employee: sir, overall sales are really low.
CEO: when did we start selling overalls, bro?
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@iamburtjarvis
@BigJDubz
Our neighbour always gets my wife’s name wrong, so she started doing the same to him. She apologises and says English names “are challenging to remember” and “am I saying it right?”. His name is Ken
@legendofchelda
@JoshuaHvr
Why would a straight guy hate gay guys?
Here’s a group of men who look better than you.. but don’t even want women.
You should be glad.
@HockeyGoddess24
Somebody in here smells really good. I will hunt you down. I will sniff you.
@Sarcasticsapien
Charles Manson not only got a woman while in prison, but a woman that only wanted him for his body. Screw Tinder, I’m going to prison.
@koalaslament
I need a new job. One where I’m always running out the door with my arms flailing and holding a jar screaming “I GOTTA GET THIS TO THE LAB!”
@MaraWritesStuff
“Your former crush likes this thing”
“Your former crush likes this thing”
“Your former crush likes this thing”
@iGreenMonk
Just found the worst page in the entire dictionary. What I saw was disgraceful, disgusting, dishonest, and disingenuous.
@TheAndrewNadeau
ME: I wish I was irresistible to women.
JINN: Done.
[I’m swarmed by hundreds of otters]
JINN: Hahaha, you didn’t say HUMAN wom—what are you doing? Stop enjoying this.
ME: *Rolling around, playing with my new otter friends* More otters, please.