@AnnoyedWasp

put a wig on the dog and frightened the crap out of the postman.

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@iamburtjarvis

[radioshack meeting]

employee: sir, overall sales are really low.

CEO: when did we start selling overalls, bro?

@BigJDubz

Our neighbour always gets my wife’s name wrong, so she started doing the same to him. She apologises and says English names “are challenging to remember” and “am I saying it right?”. His name is Ken

@JoshuaHvr

Why would a straight guy hate gay guys?

Here’s a group of men who look better than you.. but don’t even want women.

You should be glad.

@HockeyGoddess24

Somebody in here smells really good. I will hunt you down. I will sniff you.

@Sarcasticsapien

Charles Manson not only got a woman while in prison, but a woman that only wanted him for his body. Screw Tinder, I’m going to prison.

@koalaslament

I need a new job. One where I’m always running out the door with my arms flailing and holding a jar screaming “I GOTTA GET THIS TO THE LAB!”

@MaraWritesStuff

“Your former crush likes this thing”

“Your former crush likes this thing”

“Your former crush likes this thing”

-Facebook

@iGreenMonk

Just found the worst page in the entire dictionary. What I saw was disgraceful, disgusting, dishonest, and disingenuous.

@TheAndrewNadeau

ME: I wish I was irresistible to women.

JINN: Done.

[I’m swarmed by hundreds of otters]

JINN: Hahaha, you didn’t say HUMAN wom—what are you doing? Stop enjoying this.

ME: *Rolling around, playing with my new otter friends* More otters, please.