put a wig on the dog and frightened the crap out of the postman.

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[radioshack meeting]

employee: sir, overall sales are really low.

CEO: when did we start selling overalls, bro?


Our neighbour always gets my wife’s name wrong, so she started doing the same to him. She apologises and says English names “are challenging to remember” and “am I saying it right?”. His name is Ken


Why would a straight guy hate gay guys?

Here’s a group of men who look better than you.. but don’t even want women.

You should be glad.


Somebody in here smells really good. I will hunt you down. I will sniff you.


Charles Manson not only got a woman while in prison, but a woman that only wanted him for his body. Screw Tinder, I’m going to prison.


I need a new job. One where I’m always running out the door with my arms flailing and holding a jar screaming “I GOTTA GET THIS TO THE LAB!”


“Your former crush likes this thing”

“Your former crush likes this thing”

“Your former crush likes this thing”



Just found the worst page in the entire dictionary. What I saw was disgraceful, disgusting, dishonest, and disingenuous.


ME: I wish I was irresistible to women.

JINN: Done.

[I’m swarmed by hundreds of otters]

JINN: Hahaha, you didn’t say HUMAN wom—what are you doing? Stop enjoying this.

ME: *Rolling around, playing with my new otter friends* More otters, please.