Okay this nightmare isn’t going to realize itself
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Wife: How long has 5 been in the tub?
Me: I’m letting her soak before I wash her
I like to hide condom wrappers in my married friends pockets.
Keep the mystery alive and continue to surprise your partner by using chloroform to induce disorientation.
Cake: I want a girl who gets up early. I want a girl who stays up late.
Me: She is going to be exhausted.
Welcome to Condescending Club. Even an idiot would know the 1st rule. If not, you want paaaatronizing club. You know what that is, riiiight?
*UFO attacks*
Govt: It’s a weather balloon.*UFO destroys Eiffel Tower*
Govt: Weather balloon.*UFO conquers Earth*
Govt: Weather balloon.
“Turtle Power” is not an appropriate response when HR asks you how you plan to meet your objectives this year. Apparently.
Instead of just answering the phone when it rings, I prefer to wonder why the hell someone’s calling me and glare at it until it goes away.
the embarrassment of competing in a rap battle and finding out your opponent is your doctor who does not care about hipaa violations
Parenting books never prepared me for how much time I’d spend arguing for kids to get into and then out of the shower.
I don’t know about anyone else but the second I see a cop in my rear view mirror..I know he’s running my plates and about to pull me over for the bank heist I imagined last week..
People who race to pull out in front of me and then go below the speed limit, explain yourselves.
Love is not pushing them down the stairs when you have the opportunity.
the best way to avoid people outside stores with clipboards is by carrying your own
“Would you rather marry your ex or spend a year in jail?”
Me: Only 12 months to go
holding an old, ratty phone charger cable at just the right angle so that the phone charges is this generation’s rabbit ear antennas for a TV
Got out of the shower this morning and went to put my Fitbit back on, the screen said “looking good.” Was more than a bit unsettling since I was naked. 😳👀
Good cop: Just relax
Moody cop: OMG, you again? I hate you, but I kinda misssed you, why don’t you call anymore? You’re going to jail
I always wondered if the distinct piss smell that Burger King is known for is authentic or if it’s just a spray they use.
*Telephone Rings*
Advice Nurse: Hello, how can I assist you today?
Werewolf: *sweating* CAN I EAT CHOCOLATE?
Why’s it always “nyc smells like pee” and never “my pee smells like the greatest city in the world”
I used to hate the “Kids on Board” stickers for cars. I now understand they are warning us they will be driving erratically because…you know…KIDS ON BOARD!
Me: I’ve always been good at cosmetology. I have a nose for it.
Mortician: Please put that back.
Accidentally taught my dog to play dad instead of play dead and now he won’t stop barking at me when I try to touch the thermostat
You look like the kinda person who eats the DO NOT EAT silica packets
I wonder if under reasons for divorce Elvis wrote, “A little less conversation, a little more action please”
Her: What’s something you’ve never told anyone?
Me: I think ravioli should be an appetizer at restaurants
Her: Like something naughty though
Me: I like to eat ravioli before my meals
draw me like one of your sea-borne property stompers
Husband: *Grabs a pillow off the couch* Did we get new pillows?
Me: Uh huh, last year, when we got the new couches
Delightful if true: booby trap.