Put all your neighbors names on your Halloween tombstones in your front yard and wink when you’re outside and they walk by.
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-Conspiracy theorists: The moon landings were fake.
-Me: I know!!! The moon doesn’t exist.
[ DURING SEX ]
Me: Who’s a bad hand!?
[Sesame Street casting]
Exec: ok, what kid role models do we have
A grouch, cookie addict, and 2 jobless roommates
Exec: Nice, let’s roll
My knee just cracked so loudly that I half expect it to glow in the dark tonight.
If you can steal a scarf away from Johnny Depp he has to grant you one wish.
[At historic site]
Guide: Questions?
Me: What’s the wifi password?
G: I meant about 19th century life.
M: Oh….Dost thou have thy password?
When an elevator stops on a floor and no one gets on or off, I always think ghost.
Right now 36-year-old Meghan Markle is celebrating her marriage to a prince.
Right now 36-year-old me is celebrating the fact I found lasagna in the freezer.
Guess we’re both living the dream
Pro tip: when you accidentally shrink your son’s favorite game day sweater, look him in the face, lie, and say he must be making huge gains at the gym.
I kinda pictured myself robbing banks one day but my handwriting is horrible.
My only crime was love. And 6 different murders in 3 different states. Also some criminal mischief. Tbh it was a pretty rough week.
Therapist: How would you describe your relationship with your wife?
Me: She told me to tell you it’s fine
Just found out my girlfriend cheated on me, but I got her back by sleeping with her best friend. “That’s right, I fucked Gary you whore!!
same vibe as tangled headphones
absolutlely despise when a recipe tells me to add 2 cups of onion. they don’t come in cups. they come in onions
I sometimes wonder how they decided what animals made the cut in the animal crackers.. who thought leaving out raccoons was a good call?
Every parent becomes an Olympic sprinter when they see their toddler standing in front of a wall with a Sharpie
Why an exclamation point after “R.I.P.”? You don’t need to shout.
They’re dead.
Bohemian Rhapsody should be an official unit of measure.
“I can shower in 1 Bohemian Rhapsody.”
“Ran a 5K in under 6 Bohemian Rhapsodies.”
Co-worker: What’s the difference between astronomy & astrology?
Me: Approximately 50-60 IQ points.
Thank you for clarifying that you’d bite me with your teeth, my mind was running wild with all the possible things you could bite me with.
My tinder profile says I love dogs but then on dates I elaborate that it is hot dogs and corn dogs
This pandemic has prompted a lot of questions like, “Who is at the most risk” and “Is it airborne” and “Has my wife always chewed that loudly?”
Before I had my son, I used to hate kids.
Now I just hate yours.
[romantic walk]
Me: *turns to date* darling
Her: *gasps*
Me: *gets down on one knee* will you
Her: omg
Me: protest racial inequality with me
Reasons my teen is mad this morning
– I took her shopping
– I bought the shirt she wanted
– I asked her to wear the shirt
– I don’t understand why the shirt doesn’t have the vibes
[creation]
GOD: Gather round creatures & I’ll tell you what you’ll eat
ANTEATER: I’m SO excited!
DUNG BEETLE: I got a bad feeling about this
(me hosting a paranormal show): you look like you’ve seen a ghost!
Director: for the tenth time please stop saying that
Life is like a can of mixed nuts. No matter how hard you try to get all kinds, you’re always left with a bunch of peanuts in the end.
Behind every child flushing the toilet is a parent yelling “WASH YOUR HANDS.”