“Put cheese on it.”
“It’s not-”
“Put cheese on it.”
“Really now, you-”
“Everything gets better with cheese on it.”
“Sir, it’s a BROKEN LEG.”
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You know how sometimes girls wear fake glasses because they think it makes them look cute? I’m going to wear a fake monocle so people will think I’m evil
I asked my boyfriend “How pretty am I on a scale from 9.5-10?”
I’m not asking questions for that friend anymore. Too embarrassing.
*asks grocery store manager to write a note telling my wife that I looked everywhere but couldn’t find the ice cream she wanted*
It finally happened. I’m at a restaurant and a guy at the next table told the waitress “Fun fact about me: I’m a google reviewer and my reviews have over 2.5 million views”
rest in peace, 2023.
2023-2023
Uh oh I planned two dates today thinking one of them would cancel and now I have to come up with a lie and quick
Wife: Did you give the kids a bath?
Me: I got the dirt off.
Wife: What does that mean?
Me: *hides the leaf blower*
Maintains eye contact with the cashier as he rings up my gloves, duct tape, knife and tampons
*died in your arms tonight*
*stuffed in your trunk tomorrow*
*buried in the woods the day after that*
When the police find my body naked and covered in chocolate, please tell them it was from a wildly kinky one night stand and not that I tripped over my cat on the way to bed with snacks
I get it, sauce, I also thicken over time.
If you’re being attacked don’t yell ”HELP” yell ”FREE CUPCAKES”
BOSS: Wow you made a killing on your first day
ME: Thanks boss!
BOSS: *puts hand on my shoulder* that’s bad for a surgeon
Doctor: It’s terrible. You’ve been diagnosed with Tetris.
Me: Doc, I think you mean Tetanus.
Doctor: This is serious!
Me: *neatly wedging myself into the corner of the room* You must be mistaken
The @NewYorker buying Twitter ads to promote its article about how Twitter is dying kind of undercuts the thesis
Me: Opposite of Ladyfinger should be Mentos.
Grocery store clerk: *into walkie talkie* Security? He’s back!
40ish year old me thinks 18ish year old me should’ve planned something better with her life.
“Your keys are over THERE.”
– Wow. You have eagle eyes!
“Yup. My vision is 20/20.”
– No. I mean they’re small, beady & kinda close together.
Me: so I’m delusional?
Doctor: yes.
Me: and you’re a delusion?
Doctor: yes.
Me: I want a second opinion.
Pink Dragon: you’re delusional.
I never lock my car. What is someone gonna steal, my thousands of McDonald’s napkins? Perhaps my broken sunglasses? Every water bottle my kids have ever opened and took one sip of? They’d be doing me a favor.
If you gave a million monkeys a million keyboards & let them bang away at the keys all day…then you’d have Twitter.
Two seats open.
One next to a good looking girl who noticed me as I walked in.
The other by a wall outlet.She’ll find love in another man.
RIP boiling water. You will be mist.
[during sex]
Can you please take your Fitbit off.
tired of seeing everyone’s boyfriend taking them on paint and picnic dates so my dog took me on one instead
Zordon: go find me some high schoolers
Assistant: but wouldn’t the Power Rangers be more powerful if they were adults?
Zordon: NO! *breathing heavily* and make them wear spandex
Who is feeling this?
#HorrorFam #LordOfTheRings
oh u like geography? name every lake
This dog is a visual representation of my phone distracting me from work