@murrman5

*put cooked chicken in oven*
*offer to cook date dinner*
*put raw chicken in oven*
*immediately pull out cooked chicken*
*keep eye contact*

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@JohnLyonTweets

I’m scared to open any email with a photo attachment because of all this talk about photobombing.

@YSylon

Rumpelstiltskin: [shows up for a spinning class] wtf am I the only one who actually brought straw

@TheHyyyype

angel: so what are plants gonna eat, since they can’t move to find food?

god: *blows massive line* they’ll eat the sun

@careworn

Why do people insist on saying “You’re next” to me at weddings? Do they not realize how serial killery that is?

@AndyAsAdjective

“I missed you today.”

“Awwww I missed you too.”

*both frantically reload dueling pistols*

@Parentpains

My ex wife is going through pms, I know this because my car is on fire.

@distracted_monk

Whenever I see someone crying in public, I figure they won Coldplay tickets.

@Carter_TCB

Just found out men don’t need prostate exams till at least 40. I think my doctor has a lot of explaining to do.