*put cooked chicken in oven*
*offer to cook date dinner*
*put raw chicken in oven*
*immediately pull out cooked chicken*
*keep eye contact*
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Them: I saw someone who looks just like you!
Someone:
Never mess with a drunken pig.
I hate showing my baby pictures because everyone says “you were so cute” but there’s always the unspoken but implied “what happened”
-hey lucifer. did it hurt
-did what hurt
-when you fell from heaven
-for the last time gabriel i am not going out with you
Carrying around a lot of guilt for some of the recommendations I made when I worked at blockbuster in 1997.
Sketch artist: Two criminals? You just described a vase to me
Me: Look at the negative space either side of it
Sketch artist: Holy shit…
I’m a parent, so if another grownup tells me “we’ll see” or “maybe” I know the answer is no
Haters will see you walk on water and say it’s because you can’t swim
[restaurant]
ME: I’m meeting my blind date here.
HOSTESS: Do you have reservations?
ME: Yes, but my friend tells me she’s very nice.
The Ugly Duckling is my favorite story about how everything is okay as long as you eventually become hot.
jesus christ confetti not now
*Woman throws a drink in my face but I swallow it all perfectly*
I’m white but not ‘sleep in front of a store to save $30 on a television’ white.
[recording studio]
80s BAND: *gradually plays instruments quieter and quieter at the end of the song*
PRODUCER: Guys u don’t need to do that
has anything been recalled more than romaine? honest question
13yo asked me to get up at 6am to help her curl her hair, and I laughed and laughed and laughed, and then I set my alarm for 6am because she asked nicely.
*hands a turd to the teacher
Teacher: What’s this?!
Me: My dog ate my homework.
My horoscope was so wrong today I’m beginning to doubt the science behind this life planning tool.
If snails are so slow, why don’t we ever see them coming? It’s just BAM, there’s a snail.
My ideal woman:
– beautiful
– bold
– speaks French
– has an army
– is of arc
Always the kidnapper, never the kidnapped
If you’re curious what the priciest item in a store is just bring a kid along because they’ll definitely find then break it
How does Super Mario contact his dead brother?
Using a Luigi board!
If you ask me to give you a ride anywhere on less than 2 hours notice, you’re gonna be sitting in a pile of empty soda bottles and chip bags.
If satan isn’t real then who invented 3rd grade recorder flute concerts
Wow so when Joe Biden and Jill Biden sleep in the same bedroom, it’s cute, but when I do it, secret service arrests me for trespassing in the White House.
Is it because I’m brown??
when you miss someone’s call by one second and immediately call back and they don’t answer. what’s going on there. did your telephone explode. did you fall into a chasm
her: how about we go to this restaurant? I heard it’s earned two Michelin stars
me: [trying to impress] my car has four Michelin tires
nothing prepares you for when your sweet sensitive gentle eight year old son calls you “bruh” for the first time
me: [hits guy with sock full of pennies]
him: is that all you got
me: yeah inflation’s bad