Put granola in your yogurt, because who doesn’t like eating tiny rocks on purpose?
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Wife: I can’t find my phone
Me: Want me to call it?
Wife: Sure, I –
Me: PHONE, HERE BOY
Welcome to parenting. Here is your collection of markers that have run out of ink, which you will inexplicably hold onto for a minimum of 2 years.
[first date]
Me: so u just wanna poke ur straw thru that little hole
Her: I know how juice boxes work
Mom: well isn’t she a feisty one?
* breathing heavy and trying to keep up with the girl on the treadmill next to me
“So…what are you doing…after they…revive me?”
My daughter just came into the kitchen to finish getting ready to go out. So now I’m making a cheese, bacon and hairspray omelette.
Principal: Bob, you’re their Sex Ed teacher. These kids depend on you *slams fists on desk* SO WHY ARE YOU TELLING THEM COOTIES ARENT REAL
4: I reeeallly want Oreos!
Me: but you already had Oreos
4: no I didn’t!
Me: yeah you did
4: no I didn’t!
Me: I saw you eat them
4: but *I* didn’t see myself eating them!
“If I act like I’m asleep he’ll leave, If I act like I’m asleep he’ll leave, if I act like I’m asleep he’ll leave” – Me getting pulled over
I now know why they’re called the wee hours of the night
I can tell my 5yo will make a great politician someday by the way he uses other kids as human shields in dodgeball.
HER: DM me later, okay?
ME: Okay.
*later*
ME: *sends her a message* Your party, weary from your travels, gather at the tavern in the hamlet of Oakwood. A friendly barkeep serves drinks to the townsfolk as a traveling bard takes the stage. Go ahead and introduce your character.
My five year old keeps saying creditor when he means predator, and I can’t bring myself to correct him because tbh it works.
DIET TIP: don’t eat chips right out of the bag. Get out just enough to eat until the pizza guy gets there.
Date: You haven’t dated in awhile?
Me: [Wearing Hulk Hands struggling with a burrito] Why do you say that?
Just once, I’d like to sleep as deeply as a cartoon sheriff whose keys are dangling seductively from his belt.
She has a weimerhi…wimerrihym….wimmerhie…
She has a big gray dog.
What do we want?
Cheese.
When do we want it?
I already ate it.
The best part of marriage is faking a deep sleep so he’ll let the dog out in the morning.
Friend: excited for your date?
Me: no I just found out what we do at the end
Friend: kiss?
Me: *thinking about tipping* math
Nothing like accidentally setting fire to your hair at work to make you feel alive
*runs away from it all*
*runs back*
*grabs phone charger*
*runs away from it all again*
Reminder that today is Make Your Kid Lunch for School so They Can Forget it at Home Day.
I see your annoying @ and raise you a middle finger.
“We all have two lives. The second begins when you realize you only have one.”
~ Tom Hiddleston
My wife put a Jason Momoa poster on the ceiling and now she wants to have sex with the lights on, I call it a win though cause now I don’t have to feel around on the nightstand for my Oreos.
me: i feel like im being singled out because im the oldest person in this karate class and im winning all my matches
them: this is a daycare and you are under arrest
I overheard my neighbor tell someone on the phone that I was creepy.
I was so mad I almost crawled out from under the bed & confronted her.
My mind is a steel trap…that was set off accidentally long ago and now works best as a paperweight.
[first day as a server]
guy: “can i order something off-menu?”
me: “well, that is how menus work sir”
[listening to twenty one pilots]
ME: ok ok one at a time