Hey, people who act like they’re about to fight but are really friends, you are FREAKING the rest of us out.
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The twins brought in significantly less candy than I purchased. Running Halloween at a deficit is simply not acceptable.
“What a nice doggie.”
“I’ll have you know it’s not a doggie but a pure bred.”
“YOU HAVE A DOG MADE OUT OF BREAD??!!!!”
Sorry I said you and your husband look related.
For 21 years i wasnt allowed to sit on the arm of my aunties couch, today my auntie gave me that couch. Here are the pictures she recieved
SON: mommy I’m scared of the bogeyman
ME: there is no bogeyman honey
SON: he’s not real?
ME: oh he’s very real. but I hunted him down years ago
SON:
ME: there was so much blood
SON:
ME: [whispers] his head is in the basement freezer
“I might pop down later” – Translation: You’ve more chance of seeing a dancing hippo than you have of seeing me later
Wearing my bathing suit as underwear in case a random pool party breaks out sounds way better than too lazy to do laundry.
I like when candies have offseasons, like Easter is the Super Bowl of Cadbury Crème Eggs and then the eggs go rest up for training camp
Meanwhile, at the bar:
Batman: “Whisky.”
Aquaman: “Appletini.”
“WHAT?”
“It’s vodka, apple schnapps…”
“You’re off the Justice League.”
*bother*
*bother*
*bother*
“WHY ARE YOU BEING SO MEAN TO ME FOR NO REASON”
🎶 Never gonna get you out
Never gonna heat you up
Never gonna remember I wanted to eat you-me, putting leftovers away in the fridge
This morning I woke from a dream. I have no memory of it except that I was asking someone, “Is constipation a problem for fish?”
Before I met my wife I only used bar soap in the shower.
Last week I threw a tantrum like a five year old because I ran out of ocean salt scrub for my beard.
When I meet someone new I always determine if they’d be an ally or food, in the event of a zombie apocalypse.
*walking into store*
Him: You need a cart?
Me: No, I’m just getting 2 things.
Him: *rolls eyes, grabs cart*Marriage level: Expert
Me: Back to school tomorrow! Everyone ready?
14: Yeah, let me check if I have any homework.
He’s been off for 17 days.
You don’t have to choose between being a fighter and a lover. If you say you have a bad back you can normally get out of doing both.
My kids devour food so quickly that my fridge has been broken for two months and nobody realized.
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Whenever I hear someone call my name, my first instinct is to walk faster
my coworker told me she caught a cold from me that i faked
ME: Wow I have to print this document right now
PRINTER: Like, right right now?
Men will ask me to send nudes it’s like, sir I won’t even send clotheds
ROMEO:But, soft! What light through yonder window breaks?
ME:Well if you’d just sod off like I asked, I wouldn’t have to throw lamps at you.
wife:Gotta go. You guys gonna be ok?
me [making my Pop-Tart pop out of the toaster and trying to catch it] Come on!
wife:9, you’re in charge
Hear me out, a tattoo that beeps every time you are about to do something you will regret.
My gummy vitamins melted together so I’m just gonna take a bite out of this every day instead of letting them go to waste
My boss: you seem distracted today…
Me: sure, I’ll get that for you asap.
cake decorator: do you want an exclamation point after “happy birthday”?
me: no, my son wanted more of a somber motif for his sixth birthday
*spins in circles*
*dies*
*gets stuck in corner*
*dies*
*spins in circle*
*dies*
[Me playing Call of Duty with my son]