Put me in your bio so I know it’s real… Just kidding, I’d rather be in your will.
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[date]
HER: my last boyfriend was such a misogynist
ME: (trying to impress her) I hate massages
I just don’t understand pedophiles, kids are SO annoying.
He was a koi.
She was a squirrel.
Can I make it any less obvious?
Me: Hey, wanna do nothing for Valentine’s this year?
Him: Why break tradition?
*ruins your party with a can of Serious String*
Me: Got any 7s?
Wife: Go fish
Me: *returns from Bering Strait a changed man* I watched the sea take my best friend to his grave. Got any 3s?
Them: You want the truth?
Me: No thanks, I’m trying to cut back.
A little wine does the body good, a lot of wine does the body better!
My kid : mum lets buy something we can play together – skipping rope?
Me *buys snakes and ladders board game*
If I were an orthopedic surgeon, I would totally set up shop at the end of a Home Depot aisle
Intoxicated man causing disturbances attempts to hide from police…under a blanket
The cat treats me like a king. Constantly planning to kill me so he can take my place in the chair.
What idiot called it a rhyme book & not rapping paper
I became a journalist because I can’t do math. I was told there would be no math.
I once beat boxed for over 6 hours trying to impress a girl before finding out she was deaf.
I think it’s adorable when kids lose their teeth, they look like tiny meth addicts.
ME: [rocking out front row at a concert] Woooo
THIRD CELLIST: Please sit down
Cleanliness is next to godliness in a dictionary missing some stuff
*Takes ex girlfriend’s poem on Antiques Road Show*
Sir these are worthless
*Winks at camera*
Told you Karen!
me: Guess what? Your dad’s going to be on the radio!
7yo: What’s the radio?
[crashing my bike]
spin class instructor: how did you do that
there is nothing more wonderful than the laughter of children, except possibly my own laughter when I’m chasing them off my lawn while swinging a 2×4 with a nail in it
her: well don’t just stand there, say something
me: they should make paintbrushes that look like bob ross
her: i said i’m pregnant matt
me: his hair could be the brush part
Darth Vader- Dark Lord
Ranger- park lord
Neighbor’s dog- bark lord
Marty Byrde- Ozark lord
Noah- ark lord
Twitter celebrity- checkmark lord
DEA chief- narc lord
Brandon- Stark lord
Sarah Silverman- snark lord
Mikhail Gorbachev- birthmark lord
I just saw a sign that said “if you can plan for a wedding, you can plan for a natural disaster” and in my mind those two things are the same things
Husband: What should we do today?
Me: It’s up to you.
Husband: Beach?
Me: No.
Husband: Movie?
Me: No.
Husband: Museum?
Me: No.
Husband: Then what do you want to do?
Me: I don’t care. You choose.
When we’re leaving a hotel room we check drawers we didn’t even use at least five times.
Okay with female deers & drops of golden sun. But always felt that “La” deserved a better identity than “a note to follow So”
It’s awkward standing in line at the store and the 5 year old behind me is wearing the same light up sketchers
Me: Dear Santa…
Santa: *scrolling my TL*
I’m going to just stop you right there.