put my earbuds in so i wouldn’t have to talk with the man next to me on the plane and he asked if he could “borrow one so we could listen together”
You Might Also Like
Just because we’ve been friends for ten years doesn’t mean I know your kids’ names.
Million Dollar Idea: Footwear that loudly screeches “go away” when people get too close. They’re called SHOOS. (Patent Pending.)
I’ve been cutting my own hair for eight years. I didn’t expect it to take this long. I’ve missed out on so much.
“Be sure to unroll dads sleeves and check for food before you put them in the washer”
-my wife
Kids today will never know what it’s like to have a 3rd grade teacher who teaches every subject and even serves as dentist on fluoride day.
“Want me to help you with that tux?”
“No”
“Ok, suit yourself”
Let’s play a game.
What item did my almost 3yo bring into our bed.
A: A teddy bear
B: A blanket
C: A @$!&*’n toilet brush
“Please don’t do this.” – my voice mail greeting
exclusively asking for swords for Christmas and if I get even one everyone who didn’t get me one better watch out
My therapist insisted i try something new each week…
…so i haven’t paid her
Now we wait…
Twitter should give you 5,000 followers when you start and then you have to try and lose them.
judge: we hereby find you guilty of parrot smuggling
me: this is bullshit
*from jacket* this is bullshit
An extra mozzarella stick could be the difference in a 3 star or a 5 star experience.
*me overestimating my server’s position on reviews
I feel so bad every time I startle an introvert. Please come back
Told my coworker to shut up or I would slash his tires. He laughed, I laughed. Now I’m by his car with a knife and I can hear sirens. 🙁
lying here thinking of the time i was about to compliment a lady at the gas pumps on her shiny black scarf and then i realized she worked there and just had new trash bags hanging around her neck as she took out the full ones
co-worker: kinda weird how batman takes a kid out at night to punch felons
bruce wayne: [across the room] i dunno kinda sounds like you guys are just making it weird
I’ve stepped on a Lego before so I’m calling bullshit on Godzilla and King Kong being that difficult to take down
horse: these pants fit me perfectly
sales clerk: very good sir
horse: *quietly* I’ll need two pairs
sales clerk: *discretely* of course
I failed at chemistry in high school…
And finally started dating in college.
Give your kid a bowl of chips, and he’ll eat for a few minutes. Let him dump out a bag of chips in the car, and he’ll eat for a whole week
[noir voice-over] I wasn’t a real man. Just three kids stacked on top of each other in a trenchcoat. She knew it, too. She also knew I was the only one who could solve her husband’s murder
when girls eat strawberries it’s like sexy and hot but when i eat an entire potato in one bite like a snake it’s weird???? ok
Work in IT. Spend most days in server room doing “urgent security patches”. I have a gaming pc in there disguised as a server and I just play games all day. Have done this since 2017. I get praise from my boss for being so hot on security issues. On 50k a year + getting bonuses.
wife: where are the beans?
me: i made phones with the cans.
wife: can i talk to you in the kitchen?
small voice echoing from the kitchen: you can now.
This is a little film called, “Trying to Describe Myself to My Lyft Driver So He Can Find Me”
[trying to prove that I’m stronger than my 13 year old] best two out of three
Thank god 4 the guy at the bar yelling “YOU GOTTA CATCH THAT!!!” when a receiver drops the ball. Had no idea he was supposed to catch it.
The good news is, it turns out there is literally nothing we can say here that will ruin our chances at a political career.
Bully: Give me your lunch money
Me (clutching my lunch sack against my body): My name isn’t Money