Put the mosquitoes in charge of vaccine distribution do I have to think of everything around here
You Might Also Like
I love these 90-minute department meetings. It’s like a thrilling live performance of an email
The dog I’m sitting got ahold of a plastic knife and was threatening to eat it, I had to offer her my whole breakfast in exchange for her dropping it, and then I realized I had just literally been held up at knifepoint by a dog over some scrambled eggs
Thought it would be romantic to serenade this girl with some Elvis.
I swear that’s the last time I sing “You ain’t nothin but a hound dog”
My kids made a mess this morning pretending to be leprechauns. They don’t know it yet, but after school they get to pretend to be janitors.
Runner: What’s your fastest race?
Me: Taking the trash out at night
If your job doesn’t have a dress code, start wearing scrubs to it. Don’t say anything just do it and don’t answer any questions about it either
All underwear is edible if you aren’t a coward
Headed to police station to go through mugshots for a date tonight. I don’t trust ChristianMingle.
I hope Instagram is still active during the apocalypse so the zombies can post pics of whose brains they’re currently eating
I just slipped in the shower and my life flashed before my eyes but it was just a series of other times I almost fell.
Me, sitting on the patio trying to enjoy a book.
Leaf blowers: ABSOLUTELY NOT.
Remembering the most devastating your mum joke ever written
I went on WebMD and I either have Covid or I’m getting my period
For fifty bucks this Yellowstone park ranger said he can get me into his top secret bear hugging seminar
Watching Prosecuting Evil. Annnnddddd every episode so far is within 100 miles of my house. No worries, absolutely no reason to worry.
me:
Game of Thrones fan: man i just got out of a meeting that was a TOTAL Red Wedding. I thought heads were gonna roll like Ned Starks haha. Oh dont i owe you from lunch the other day? A Lannister always pays his debts! Anyway better bundle up out there, winter is coming LOL!!
Wife & son backing out in the car,
4yo: “So LONG, suckers!” [slams garage door]
4yo [opens door again]: “Not you Mommy!”
*holding cardboard sign by intersection*
NOT POOR JUST ON MY WAY TO BREAK DANCING SCHOOL
So I put one (1) ancient mummified corpse in a tub of water to see if it would rehydrate into a zombie, and now I’m some kind of weirdo? OK, whatever. Halloween is gonna suck this year, and that’s on you.
My middle son has two imaginary horses that he always brings to my house
It’s really sweet, but it’s costing me a fortune in imaginary hay
Me: I’ve finally finished that jigsaw puzzle!
Her: YOU DRUNK! It took you 6 months!
Me: On the box it said 2 to 4 years!
A friend sent me this and now I can’t think of anything else
interviewer: can you work overtime?
me: *nodding* and space
The CDC has increased the 3 second rule to 2 minutes.
Someone: wanna hear something interesting?
Anxiety: for the love of God say no SAY NO
Me: sure
Anxiety: you brought this on yourself
Why did they call it long distance running and not fardio.
Friendly parenting reminder – as the weather starts to get nicer, don’t forget to close the windows before you yell at your kids.
Me: Do you like my new negligé?
Him: Are you wearing bubble wrap?
Me: You said put something on that would keep you occupied for hours.
I was going to buy my wife a car for Christmas but then I remembered I don’t live in a commercial.