Put the spoiled milk back in the fridge and hope it gets better.
– What I think when I hear someone is getting back together with an ex.
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My daughter is at that age where she’s starting to get bouquets of flowers from boys. I’m at that age where the next time I get flowers, it will be at my funeral.
Don’t let him know you’re a hologram. Don’t let him know you’re a hologram.
Interviewer: You’ve got the job!
*extends hand*Me: Dammit
interviewer: it says here u have a number of skills?
me: yes that number is zero
Had a breakthrough with my therapist yesterday.
Never seen a man cry like that before.
6 said she wanted to play dolls with me, just like she did with her friend on a play date. We were playing for a minute when she looked up at me super adorably and said, “my friend is funner than you”.
I talk a lot of smack for someone who believes the plane will tip over if you stand up midflight.
No one in movies or TV shows ever properly freak out when they see someone eat sauce off a wooden spoon then put the spoon that they just licked back in the sauce.
*christopre walken givig tour of apt* this is my.. walken closet. and these boots. these boots were made.. *long unecesary pause* for walken
Mailman: whatcha doing
Me: I’m going fishing for my neighbor Larry
Mailman: you mean WITH your neighbor
Me [casting a sausage link into Larry’s mail slot]: he likes chorizo the most
Was decorating the front yard last night and one of the neighborhood kids tried to deflate me.
Exterminators: The only profession in which you put yourself out of business by being really good at your job.
Twitter’s fun because everyone’s really cynical and snide about everything except *checks hand* … wrestling? that can’t be right
I lost the birth video of my son so I’m at the labour ward hoping to recreate it. I’ll just zoom in close so my wife won’t be able to tell.
My natural facial expression is that of a slightly pissed off serial killer
If she’s got matching bra and panties on you know what that means… it means both were clean at the same time simmer down
They should do a mario kart but in real life, where fast cars race around a track and the person who finishes first is declared the winner.
Darn, my 250 million years old salt has expired.
(first date)
Her: I love Star Trek
Me: Me too!
Her: What’s your favourite part?
Me: *sweating* uhh when the stars go trekking!
Note to self:
Next time your migraine specialist asks “How’s your head?” Don’t reply with “No man has ever complained.”
Just yelled “out of my way monsters!” at a flock of seagulls, so I’m done interacting socially for the day
Obviously, it would be hugely childish & wrong to chuckle at Linus & Florian, the backbone of Germany’s hockey team.
This Job Fair sucks, it doesn’t even have rides.
Why would you waste money on a service that carries Game of Thrones when you could just absorb the plot of each episode as hundreds of furious live-tweets. I have been consuming the show in this fashion for at least four seasons, as a whale consumes krill.
I’m sorry for the things I said when I was trying to get the printer to work
Don’t tell me what to do
I may be paranoid, but it feels like the world is out to get me.
*trips over globe and breaks both legs*
If I were British I would carry around a monocle and drop it whenever I was horrified
Someone suggested a breakfast salad, and then I wondered why someone could be so mean.
FBI AGENT: [lifting crime scene tape and walking in] dale howard, fbi
ME: [following him] bob vulfov, looking for a bathroom
A 6-year-old told me he likes my costume. I’m not wearing a costume 🙁