Unsuspecting male: So what kind of restaurants do you like?
Me: Open ones.
You Might Also Like
Taking bets on how long my kid will proudly trip over the pillowcase she’s wearing because pants weren’t “fluffy enough” this morning
*bugs bunny*
bunny: stop bothering me
My husband has short term memory problems so I’ve stopped brushing my hair.
That way he thinks we’ve already had sex & leaves me alone.
five mistletoes make up a mistlefoot thank you for your time
My grandparents just gave me a mint condition GameCube as a surprise because they know I love video games. They think it’s new 😂🥺
[getting escorted out of zoo] “I just wanted to see if the panda knew kung fu like in the movie”
I can’t remember if I’ve got bacon in my fridge or not. I think I might have a touch of hamnesia.
[Nightclub]
Me: *shouting over the loud music at the bartender* I NEED HOT WATER FOR MY CUP O’ NOODLES
[castle wall]
KNIGHT: the enemy is advancing
ME: *panicking* close the gates! man your battle stations!
KNIGHT: their chariots are pulled by puppies
ME: keep the gates half open. let’s see how this plays out
I am ideologically opposed to taking a spouse’s last name but I am intrigued by the idea of starting over with a fresh gmail account
BOSS: how’s your wife?
ME: still totally not fake
BOSS: what
ME: what
I’m 45 yrs old. I have never turned on a flashlight without making the lightsaber noise
A message for people with imposter syndrome:
The Pentagon just announced they miscalculated by $3 billion, you’re doing fine (unless you are this one accountant at the Pentagon)
oh, internet, you didn’t even exist when this happened to me. every weekend.
Me: *holding a baby* How do you reboot this thing?
You can literally take anything from anyone as long as you shout “police emergency” and run away
Me: (accidentally crushes the World’s Smallest Violin)
Guy who owns the World’s Second Smallest Violin: aw yea baby my time to shine
Failed Pickup Lines:
“Baby, my memory may be selective but I’m not.”
Farts are like children. The only ones that I like are my own.
Iron Man’s cat is a Fe lion
you can hear the blood in your veins if you listen varicosely
Mean things I kind of want to do:
1) Call up a random person and say “It’s done. You just need to clean up the blood.” and hang up.
2) Walk up to a stranger and hand them a bag with random items (vaseline, a hose and socks) and say “You know what to do.”
Him: I don’t see nothin’ wrong-
Me: Let me just stop you right there *takes out Grammar Police badge, issues double negative citation*
Practice self-care like werewolves: carry deeply emotional secrets everywhere you go & once a month eat the hearts of all who have wronged you.
Genie: what are your three wishes
Me: make me a waffle
[suddenly I am a waffle]
Me: no, like a waffle to eat
[in a flash waffle me is on a plate]
Me: no! for me to eat
[a much larger me sits down in front of the plate]
this tumblr post deserves to be put in history textbooks
There’s a reason the iPhone autocorrects “Yolo” to “tool.”
Sir. Your burrito is $5.97. With guacamole, your total comes to $386,932.32
*Breaks glass to steal Mona Lisa*
You crazy? Security will hear us
Security: HEY, WHAT’S GOING ON UP THERE?
NOTHING
Security: ALRIGHT
An Apple a day may keep the Doctor away!!!… But an Onion a day keeps Everybody away!!!