Mom: Sorry, I won’t be able to come in today. My son’s got stuck in the washing machine.
Boss: Aw okay. Poor thing, how old is he?
Mom: 27
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coworker: what do u think happens after we die
me: when I die, nothing
coworker: what about when I die
me: I get arrested
You have no idea how many windows you have until someone is working on your gutters.
Saw a house on zillow with a built-in wine fridge and it’s no longer for sale, so that will always be the one that got away
Me: [sees bath water is bright yellow] I thought we ran out of those colored bath tablets.
Son #2: [in bath] We did.
sent my boyfriend a post-ambien text last night that said “i’m going to sleep, do you want anything?” proving my subconscious is stupid, but kind
Parenting toddlers: [stressing out because they never stop talking]
Parenting teenagers: [stressing out because they never talk]
Pushed a 15 year old dog in a stroller and not once did she ask for Cheerios or a juice box.
Probably the worst thing you can do to a person is leave them a voicemail.
My summer body has been pending for about ten years
Me, walking into my mom’s house
16 & 4 of his friends: *sitting in living room eating cookies with my mom*
One of his friends: May I have another cookie, ma’am?
Mom: *beaming* This is grandma’s house, honey. You may have as many cookies as you want
All 4 teen boys: *grin*
Person: It’s not rocket science.
Rocket science [wipes forehead and exhales] : Whew! Nearly got caught there.
me: *finally catching up financially*
the brakes on my car: hehe
I’m not saying I drink too much caffeine but I do believe my body will keep moving 48 hours after my death.
yeah I’m excited for Dune 2
dune 2 others as you would have them dune 2 you
“No! Don’t go into the church! Nooo!”
“Honey, what movie are you watching?”
“Our wedding video.”
keep your circle small. bridesmaid’s dresses are expensive.
*enters bubble blowing contest
*blows BIG bubble
*guy blows BIGGER bubble
*pulls knife
*pops bubble(ALWAYS bring a knife to a gum fight.)
The fastest land animal is a cheetah, the fastest bird is a peregrine falcon, and the fastest human is my Mom when anyone tags me in anything on Facebook
You sound unhinged. Let’s go get mugshots.
i am:
⚪️ a man
⚪️ a woman
🔘 living in the year 2021looking for:
⚪️ men
⚪️ women
🔘 a way out
me other days of the year: amazon is evil
me on prime day: holy shit 70% off??
i love corporate logic because a company will fire an entire newsroom full of award-winning journalists to spare the $500k salary of a guy in a corner office whose title is like Senior Vice President of Bad Decision-Making
It’s so hot at work I need to wear as little clothes as possible without being sent to HR
“Whoa nice car”
Thanks. I dropped 40K on a new set of wheels
[whispers to friend] “What kind of idiot spends $40,000 on tires”
My kid came home from his field trip covered in paint, missing one sock, and carrying two pumpkins and had the nerve to say his field trip was “fine”.
I’m like if Lady Godiva rode in naked on a ” My Little Pony” …
You people who pull back the shower curtain checking for psycopathic murderers … if you find one, what’s your plan?
[ walking down the soap and detergent isle at the store ]
14: it smells like chores in here
“Have you tried divorcing and restarting your marriage?”
– IT Department as marriage counselors
Have a friend who takes pics of her food and then goes to the restroom to delete them all. Instagramorexia Nervosa.