put ur hair in a man-bun. now put ur beard in a man-bun too. congratulations ur now a hamburger. be free, hamburger man.
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I was pretty sure I spotted Ted Danson last night. Not doing much, just Danson in the streets
So is this super moon just, like, our mild-mannered regular moon that took off its glasses?
In another blow to Hollywood during the pandemic, movie producers and actors in their late 60s warned to stay away from their 20 something girlfriends
A step-by-step guide on how to not finish anything.
Step One: Have kids.
You can’t be the most good looking one at any wedding because you can’t compete with how great the food looks.
i don’t want to know what five dentists think about a certain toothpaste, i want to know what they think about EVERYTHING. four out of five dentists recommend kierkegaard
There’s no such thing as coincidence?
I’m confused.
If there is no such thing why did they name it?
Coincidence?
I think not Xx
Bloggers be like, “5 Reasons Why Breathing Air is Good For You”
Calm down penguins. You’re just a flashy suit and a few body parts away from being a platypus.
*Hears something go bump in the night.
Me: *jumping out of bed. Who’s there?
Ghost: Oh shit, I woke the scary one.
Vegans with children named ‘Hunter’ are why I lie awake at night.
niece: Diamond earrings!?
[flashback to me, drunk, wrapping presents]
me: Oh shit
Romance is weird. My wife said she wanted fantasy play but got angry when I handed her the wizard beard & 20 sided dice
My husband said he wanted complete honestly in our relationship
So I said I wanted a divorce
Thinking about getting a nutritional value label tattooed on my inner thigh.
mentally somewhere in italy
DAUGHTER: [burying pet rabbit in the garden] Goodbye Mr Hoppers. I’ll miss you!
ME: [to wife] Doesn’t it have to be dead first?
I would actually consider watching The Bachelor if one of the girls was a Praying Mantis.
4-year-old: What’s “saying grace?”
Me: It’s when we thank the one who provided our food.
4-year-old: We thank the microwave?
I had a sex dream about my wife last night…except her hair was black instead of blonde…and she looked a lot like my hot neighbor Karen.
me: shoot for the moon
astronaut: houston please I need actual coordinates
I enjoy reading, long walks on the beach, and getting myself into situations where the only way out is to fake my own death.
Equally cool alternatives to air guitar:
Air slap bass
Air harmonica
Silent pig auctions
Balloons hitting people
The letter Q
*Queen bee in hive*
“You, go pollinate flowers”
“You, go make some honey”
“You, go buzz around some humans and ruin their picnic lol”
scientist: this machine erases your bad memories instantly. any volunteers?
me: i’ll give it a go
scientist: but you were just here yesterday
me: i’ve made some bad life choices since then
Lassie once told me a boy fell down a well, but since no one else can speak dog I ignored it because I was building a furniture fort.
8-year-old: I’m glad it’s the weekend.
Me: You were only at school for two days.
8: You weren’t there.
My fear of cockroaches started when I hit one with a rolled up magazine and it held up a tiny ‘LOL’ sign and ran under the fridge.
You don’t have to drive me crazy, I’m close enough to walk.
Excuse me, the movie Inception, you’re gonna tell me you had like 10 people jumping between levels of everyone’s subconscious and yet there were ZERO sex dreams? Uhhhh that’s a damn plothole my guy!!!!