Put your family down and pay attention to your phone.
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I’m forbidding the twelve people who regularly star my tweets to ever fly in an airplane together.
Kids make friends in 5 seconds, adults make friends in 5 drinks.
10 y/o made her own chores list and after doing the dishes, she said she couldn’t believe we do them every day so I patted her on the head and said, “wait until you hear about this thing called laundry.”
I don’t like camping, if I wanted to sleep outside I wouldn’t pay my mortgage.
Review of the Solar System
⭐☆☆☆☆
“Only one star”
don’t do it sharon, it’s a trap
New to Twitter cheat sheet:
AVI – profile pic
TL – timeline
DM – direct message
TC – twitter crush
WTF – everything else
my son needs help with his math project so i did what any good parent would do. i slipped out the back door and started a new life in costa rica
[gets pulled over]
me: problem, officer?
cop: you were swerving, i want you to count backwards from 100 for me
[2hrs 36m later]
me: how was that
cop: did you really need the “bottles of beer on the wall” part before every number
[donating blood]
Nurse: you’re looking faint. Can I get you a drink?
Me: no thanks, I’ve just had like 60 of those strawberry Capri Suns
Me: My son’s goldfish died. What should I do?
Him: Just flush him down the toilet
Me: Gotcha. And the fish?
“ooOOOooo”
“oooOOoo”
“oooOOoh”
“OoOOooh”–spirited debate
18: Thanks for the nuggets.
Me: I didn’t buy you nuggets.
18: Well 19 said she didn’t either, so how did the get in my room? Someone could have broken in.
Me: Yes and left you a 20 piece with ranch, that has been happening a lot on this street.
I bet when spiders see those fake green cob webs on Halloween they must be like “Ugh, tourists”.
Lol how “take you out” could mean either we’re going on a date or I’m gonna kill you.
Carrot cake is both my favorite carrot and my least favorite cake.
Me: I’d kill for a donut
Donut: Whoa I said I was angry, I never said I wanted them dead
(Auditioning to be a bird)
*accidentally walks into a sliding glass door*
DIRECTOR: Wow, she’s really good.
If I’m ever forced to go on silent retreat imma wear windbreakers and wet flipflops…If I have to suffer then so do you…Squeak squeak woosh woosh mf’ers
I believe in workplace drug testing.
That’s why I slipped Ambien and Ex-Lax into my boss’ coffee.
Let’s test which one works faster.
Thanks for nothing autocorrect, I’m never gonna get chicks being a “homeless romantic”.
surgeon: scalpel.
me: careful, it’s sharp! haha
[everyone screams]
me: what? i held my breath for 2 mins during anesthesia to make that joke
The best part of being a flight attendant has to be when you walk the aisle saying “trash” to everyone’s face.
RETIREMENT EXPERTS: by 35 you should have twice your salary saved
35 YEAR OLD: my salary is $13.00 an hour and i have $26.00 in my bank account so I’m good
A large group of Karens is called a Homeowner’s Association…
Kids be like mom look at me when you’re driving 70 mph on the freeway.
Me: *sitting naked on the exam table*
Doctor: Ma’am, that’s my desk.
Me: What?
Doctor: Are you ready for your hearing test?
The freebie-jeebies
That feeling you get when someone creepy buys you a drink without asking.
M: Twitter has helped me tremendously as a writer, as it demands tightness and brevity.
Friend: What do you write?
M: Oh, only tweets now.