“Put your hand on the shopping cart or I’m going to put you inside it.”
“Mom I’m right here.”
“Hand on the cart now. I don’t want you to get lost.”
“MooOoom”
“5, 4”
“I’M NOT GETTING LOST!”
“3, 2, 1”
*My mom struggles to lift me up into the cart*
“I’M 36 MOM!!”
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My grandpa once shot a hornet’s nest with a shotgun and had to spend 4 hours hiding under a log until the swarm dissipated. What I’m saying is, I come from a long line of poor decision makers so you can only expect so much
Friend: *texting* How are you holding up? Staying busy?
Me: Yeah actually I’ve gotten really into philosophy
[Earlier that day]
Me: Alexa if you shave all your hair off do you use face wash or body soap on the top of your head
You cause one minor incident at a museum and everyone is “Irreplaceable Egyptian mummy” this and “Could have used regular toilet paper” that
Brain: Follow your heart
Heart: Go with your gut
Gut: Pick the grilled cheese
If you’re religious, you get to confess your sins.
If you’re not, you get to enjoy them.
Until the day I die I will think of the 90s as 10 years ago
I’m not saying she’s worse than my mom…
But my wife doesn’t seem to like any of my girlfriends.
Me: get behind me Satan!
Satan: not tonight, I’ve got a headache
How to ruin your kids day:
1. See their sock on the floor
2. Ask them to pick up their sock
Me: Can you check my balance on this gift card?
Cashier: ok
Me: [ steps on card, lifts other foot without wavering ] Pretty good, right?
Be right back. My son who’s slitting enemy throats in “Call of Duty” is screaming for me to kill a centipede.
A millennial told me that he and his friends weren’t on Twitter anymore because it was for old people now. I was like, “Finally, we won!”
i know this website has poisoned my brain because an earthquake just shook my bedroom, and mid-quake my very first thought was “oh boy, here come the tweets”
I just watched an ad for a stain remover in which they cleaned a pool of blood off a sofa and it seemed perfectly normal.
Wife: Been a long time since we went on a vacation.
Me: Great idea. Where do you wanna go?
Wife: Some place romantic. Paris.
Me: Ok. And I’ll go to Thailand.
[me buying something stupid and don’t need that’s $7.99] cool it’s only seven bucks
[me later] can’t believe i wasted ten bucks on this
*holds a grudge*
Grudge: PUT ME DOWN!
I’m convinced that anytime an employee at a shoe store goes into the back room looking for your size they enter Narnia, romp around for a few hours forgetting about work, and then come back and just tell you no they don’t have your size.
5 has poison ivy on his entire body so if you wondered what would make a 5 yo more annoying it’s having poison ivy on his entire body.
[Casually but methodically making my way through a party until I secure a spot next to the snacks]
Quietly, as if into earpiece: “I’m in.”
I’ve achieved absentee parent status by leaving my dog alone for 27 minutes
The final exam for police service dogs to remain calm in front of a cat, Germany, 1987.
me: this year i’m giving my kids a modest christmas
my bank account: i do not think that word means what you think it means
a lot of people afraid to put in hard work but I make my living the way my grandfather did and his grandfather before him. selling the same pigeon to the same guy over and over again because it keeps flying back to me.
Legal notepads imply that illegal notepads exist
Bought some of that edible cookie dough.
Gotta say it’s just not as good without the hint of a salmonella threat.
i’m selfie-employed. yes sir i’ll make a duck-face. right away sir.
Sorry I overreacted when we both reached for the last piece of pecan pie. I had no idea a fork could penetrate so far into a human forearm.
I’m sorry for a lot of things but I’m not sorry I put googly eyes on your nativity scene
I will die twice in my life – once when my heart stops, and once the first time I casually reference the pandemic to someone who looks like an adult and they say “oh, that happened before I was born”