“Put your pants on grandma, you’re scaring the reptiles!”
– Me, camping
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If practice makes perfect, why in the hell are we all so shit at sleeping as adults!
Word.
~ Microsoft.
Couch Potato: Do you think I’m fat?
Sweet Potato: I think you’re beautiful.
Baked Potato: Why do we have eyes that can’t see?
Have a lovely day 😊
[grocery store]
CUTE GIRL {bumps into my cart}: Oh, I’m sorry…that was on accident
ME: Well you know nothing ever happens “on accident”
CUTE GIRL {flirtatiously}: Haha, so are you saying…
ME: Yes, the term is actually “by accident”
Dad Unleashes Haunting Moan Of Satisfaction Upon Descending Into Hot Tub
DRUG DEALER: what’ll it be man
ME: *wearing a wire* some drugs please
[at the surveillance van]
DEA AGENT: did he just say some drugs
trust my gut? the thing that can’t even handle milk?
[parent/teacher meeting]
“you must’ve read to him as a baby”
*leans forward in little desk* lady, I didn’t even know him when I was a baby
Fears: dying alone, getting horribly maimed or disfigured, people who stick their tongue out in photos
son: and this one?
me: also carrots
son: I don’t like carrots
me: I know[how I’ve kept my 2 year old from opening the family gifts under the tree]
#AnAutumnAtrocity
New fall boots. 😆😆
i don’t know who needs to hear this but you can totally just buy an ink stamp that says CLASSIFIED and stamp it on whatever you want
I want what any normal girl wants in life… A great job, a loving husband and to be the wallpaper on thousands of iPhones.
How can we make people tell the truth?
“Lets make them put one hand on a book & the other on their chest. That’ll scare the shit out of em”
Pretending that you’re feeding the garbage disposal like a hungry baby bird does not hurt anyone.
[sideline]
QB: Do you think I should go for it?
COACH: I say go for it[huddle]
CENTER: So?
QB: Would you like to go for a coffee sometime?
Be nice to people today, we’re all just trying to get through Monday for the seventh time this month.
her: when we go to Hawaii let’s ride a dolphin
me:
her:
me: i’m taking a plane, Karen
*horse walks into a bar*
*horse walks into a bar*
*horse walks into a bar*
*horse walks into an optometrist*
Horse: Holy shit please help me
Not today. 😅
I hate it when people say age is only a number. Age is clearly a word.
In high school I wasn’t quite able to talk myself into joining the debating team.
Every time.
My wife found a spider in the shower.
Anyway, the open house is this Saturday if you’re interested.
Just cleaned* the fridge and pantry like the hero my family deserves.
*ate all the cheese and cookies
Thank God there is the super fit woman who constantly power walks past my window to remind me that I don’t want to do that.
Liar is such a harsh term, I prefer Politician
mom: everyone has to learn to swim
kid: even jesus?
mom: of course
jesus: *sliding across the pool in heelys* lying’s a sin, brenda