Psssst … Hey buddy … One hit of this stuff’ll take you right back to ’79
*slides over packet of Pop Rocks*
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Are we sure that we’re supposed to look for a human to settle down with? Cause I’m discovering I have much more in common with this blanket.
This spider just got away from me because I made the classic villain mistake of telling him my whole evil plan before killing him.
“Give me your tired, your poor, your huddled masses yearning to breathe free. Unless they’re darker than, say, beige.”- Statue of Liberty.
So a baby crawls across the floor to its bottle and it’s cute but when I do it I’m “in need of an intervention”?
My neighbor’s facebook movie is just a montage of me caught on surveillance video, stealing his newspaper every morning.
my girlfriend and i are having a big fight bc i think the toys from Toy Story are immortal and she thinks they can die
A grand jury is made up of a cross-section of the community.
I ride the train w/the cross-section & it’s mostly people peeing on the floor.
I’m always amazed at how eating 2lbs of chocolate can make you gain 47lbs.
5 asked me to come to her hairdressing salon, put some accessories in my hair then looked at me and said “well your hair looks good now but I don’t know what we can do with your face”. Worst hairdresser I’ve been to, do not recommend
The person who named Red Delicious apples should never be allowed to name anything again.
1 year older today, and still no closer to growing up
Me: *sings bedtime song*
4: I like that song
Me: *Sing song again*
4: I didn’t say I wanted it again
Me: *Stops singing song*
4: Why did you stop singing
Me: *Hands child to her dad and schedules emergency therapy session*
Finally got this fire hydrant open, but there was like, the opposite of fire inside
My daughter pulled on her pullover and a years worth of ketchup packets fell out.
“What’s all that?”
“You told me to get ready to go!”
“Where do you think we’re going that you need all that ketchup?”
“I think I’m going somewhere where they won’t have enough.”
Fair enough kid.
I met this white girl that was telling me about how she wanted to make a “hip” fried chicken place in her neighborhood. She was looking for ideas for names and I told her to call it Gentri Fried.
She wrote it down. 📝😭
deleting my dating apps because I want to meet someone the old fashioned way (by stealing my father’s armor and running away in the middle of the night to fight northern invaders with the Chinese army and compete with a handsome fellow soldier by pretending to be a man)
Nobody harasses you on the street when you walk around wearing a belt made of live cats.
I’m sitting here watching this married couple argue in this restaurant. Then their 8 year old says “oh great, dinner and a show.” Priceless.
Everyone buries their problems in different ways.
I bury them alive because killing people is wrong.
Trump’s rhetoric has become even more disturbing and incendiary. Today he claimed “Burger King fries are as good as McDonald’s fries.”
Marriage means commitment. So does insanity.
Coincidence?
WOMAN NAMED CATHY: my name is cathy
ME: ah yes short for catheter i presume
My kid’s wish list at age 6: An adorably misspelled handwritten request for toys
My kid’s wish list at age 14: A professionally designed slideshow with links to big-ticket items that ends with the phrase “open your hearts and your wallets”
It’s bad when the hackers try to return your stolen identity.
Cat: HUMAN TERRIBLE THING HAPPEN TO CAT
Me: what
Cat: WAS SLEEPING IN SUN PUDDLE BUT SUN PUDDLE IN DIFFERENT PLACE NOW
Me: yeah Earth’s rotation means the sun is constantly changing positions in the sky
Cat:
Cat:
Cat: MAKE THAT NOT HAPPENING
Me: I can’t
Cat: UR USELESS HUMAN
It takes a lot of courage for a man to admit his wife is wrong…
Sorry I was late, couldn’t stop spelling banana.
people in fantasy novels absolutely love removing from their knapsack some bread and hard cheese
I’m never more irritated by fashion than when I’m trying to stuff something in a fake pocket!