[puts a tub of Blue Bell in the cart]
Ma’am, did you hear there was a recall? That could be deadly.
[slowly puts second tub in cart]
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New guy: I really like your name
Me: Thanks I got it for my birthday
Almost 10,000 tweets, guess who’s not Employee of the Month.
Someone in the office keeps making decaf coffee & I’ve narrowed it down to that guy who never gets anything done.
My love language is Latin. It’s dead.
[alarm clock buzzing]
BIRD: [groaning] ah man it’s too early
GOTH WORM: *bangs on window* Wake up you lazy sack of shit and eat my flesh
Need this in my life lol
Sorry to all the people my 3yo has yelled at for eating ice cream in a car.
Telling him it was illegal was wrong. I know this now.
Protect your Twitter account from plagiarism by only tweeting things that nobody cares about.
Make sure you’re checking your kids candy this year. Just found a Glock in a Twix bar
The person who made stabbing people illegal, clearly never slept next to someone who snores.
*my boss angrily taps his watch because I come into the meeting late
*i angrily tap my watch back because this meeting is too early
Pro tip: if you show up nude to the Zoom meeting, you don’t have to do anymore zoom meetings.
I don’t need to go to Christian Mingle to find God’s match for me because I already know it’s pizza
My Google searches read like an alien trying learn how to be a person.
I woke up deciding to incorporate the parkour lifestyle into my daily life then reconsidered as I fell over again putting my jeans on
in canada if you pat your pockets to show a hobo that you have no change and he hears your keys jingle, you have to give him your house.
My dad: See, when you said you’d met a “special someone” we thought…
Me: Go on.
My dad:
Me: [taking hold of the penguin’s flipper] GO ON.
Me: {after awkwardly long silence} So you come here often?
Waitress: Yes I work here can you please just order.
Whatever, Batman. You may call it the Batcave, but that doesn’t change the fact you still live in your parents’ basement.
It’s all fun and games until someone from real life recognizes you and you realize you’re too small to drag off the body.
Once upon a time, I’d leave my seat early at a concert or sporting event so I could beat the traffic.
Nowadays, it’s probably because I need to beat the queue for the toilet.
Literally any podcast host asking their guest a question
ME: *getting daily intelligence briefing*
ADVISOR: *shakes head* you still don’t have any
Wife: I made you an appt. with the eye doctor
Me: [spreading cream cheese onto Destiny’s Child CD] MY EYES ARE FINE
[2050, Quarantine Simulator: Day 4]
Test Patient: i don’t know what the big deal is. could do this forever.
Doctor, into lapel: introduce children to simulation.
[34 mins. later]
Test Patient: *banging on two-way mirror*
Doctor: every time.
I’ve gained 20lbs since the election. If Trump stays in office much longer I’ll have to chain myself to a girl in a gold bikini.
I never scrape my back window so when I back out of parking spots I let Jesus decide if I’m gonna kill anyone
Nobody harasses you on the street when you walk around wearing a belt made of live cats.
6: Why are we at the vet?
Me: So our pig can’t have babies
6: How do you know she doesn’t want babies?
Me:*looks at my kids* Just a hunch