@Tommytoughstuff

*Puts air guitar back in air case* “Listen if you wanted a “real guitarist” maybe you should put that in the ad!”

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@WheelTod

I hate it when people go round quoting the bible. I haven’t even read it yet, but somehow folks think it’s cool to give key plot points away

@capnwatsisname

Please pray for my 9 year old who will apparently need surgery to remove a bandaid.

@G_Faylor

I crash my car. Hundreds of pairs of clean underwear instantly spill from my glove box protecting me from harm.

@dafloydsta

[job interview]

“Tell me a weakness.”

I never finish what I start.

“Care to elaborate?”

*grabbing my stuff* Nah, I gotta get going.

@SortaBad

Commercial for Twitter:

“Are you tired of arguing with people you actually know?”

@cristela9

YOUR MARCH HOROSCOPES:

Aries: Stay inside.
Taurus: Stay inside.
Gemini: Stay inside.
Cancer: Stay inside.
Leo: Stay inside.
Virgo: Stay inside.
Libra: Stay inside.
Scorpio: Stay inside.
Sagittarius: Stay inside.
Capricorn: Stay inside.
Aquarius: Stay inside.
Pisces: Stay inside.

@Donna_McCoy

GPS: You’re not really lost, you just want someone to talk to.

@anbrll00

Hockey fights are cool but imagine the make up sex afterwards in the locker room.

@Jerrypleasure

By the age of 30 you should have

1. $100 in your account

2. a knee pain

3. anxiety

4. back pain