*Puts air guitar back in air case* “Listen if you wanted a “real guitarist” maybe you should put that in the ad!”

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I hate it when people go round quoting the bible. I haven’t even read it yet, but somehow folks think it’s cool to give key plot points away


Please pray for my 9 year old who will apparently need surgery to remove a bandaid.


I crash my car. Hundreds of pairs of clean underwear instantly spill from my glove box protecting me from harm.


[job interview]

“Tell me a weakness.”

I never finish what I start.

“Care to elaborate?”

*grabbing my stuff* Nah, I gotta get going.


Commercial for Twitter:

“Are you tired of arguing with people you actually know?”



Aries: Stay inside.
Taurus: Stay inside.
Gemini: Stay inside.
Cancer: Stay inside.
Leo: Stay inside.
Virgo: Stay inside.
Libra: Stay inside.
Scorpio: Stay inside.
Sagittarius: Stay inside.
Capricorn: Stay inside.
Aquarius: Stay inside.
Pisces: Stay inside.


GPS: You’re not really lost, you just want someone to talk to.


Hockey fights are cool but imagine the make up sex afterwards in the locker room.


By the age of 30 you should have

1. $100 in your account

2. a knee pain

3. anxiety

4. back pain