*puts almost empty milk carton back in fridge*
[wife texts me from France]
“Really?”
You Might Also Like
Why is no one talking about this?!
A boycott is just a smaller version of a manbed.
COP: I need to see some ID
ME: [hands him ID]
COP: this isn’t yours
ME: you said “some”
COP: lol wow good point you’re free to go
The guy two cubes down wears vests, curls his mustache, and never says a word. I always smile politely because maybe he’ll spare my life.
Me: *covers up with fleece blanket*
Wife: *rips it off me* This is for the cats
Chad: But I don’t want to advertise escorts or be known for shady stuff.
Craig: Then I’ll start my own list.
ALLOW CURSE WORDS IN THE SPELLING BEE ALREADY, GIVE THE LITTLE NERDS A THRILL
If the US ever decides to change its currency from the dollar to the unmatched tupperware lid I’ll be a very wealthy man.
oh yeah that shit is [spends 10 minutes looking for the fire emoji]
aliens are gonna be super confused when they show up threatening to overthrow our leaders and we’re all stoked and offer to help.
Me: Who called it a religious pilgrimage instead of a roamin’ Catholic?
Salesman: So, I’ll just assume you want the extended warranty.
Wife: “Oh Honey, what would you do without me?”
Me: “realistically or in my fantasies?”
62% of marriage conversation is just
spouses stating “I never said that.”
Worried that one day pillows will take over and start making forts out of us.
My dogs have requested that I stop trying to homeschool them.
For someone who dislikes Bill Gates, my dad sure does dress a lot like him.
Architects should try and design a house with no yelling
I’ve been married to my husband for 16 years and just learned he doesn’t like ice cream cones. What in the hell have we been talking about all this time?
Daughter: I drew a picture of you
Me: where’s my big muscles?
Daughter: *looks at me up and down* good question
“HI DO YOU WANT TO DRESS UP NICE SO WE CAN QUEUE OUTSIDE A CLUB & GET INSIDE & QUEUE UP TO BUY A DRINK & THEN QUEUE UP TO GO TO THE TOILET?”
Judge: how do u find the defendant
Me: he’s that dude in the orange jumpsuit your honor
I would be putting Jesus in my body every night if only he had chosen cookies over bread
man I hope machines don’t become sentient robots in my lifetime because my voicemail lady would straight up kick the shit outta me
I met a girl at a club last night and she told me she’d show me a good time.
When we got outside, she ran 100m in 9.69 seconds.
There should be a dimmer on refrigerator lights so you’re not hit with full sunlight blast when you’re cruising for food at 3 a.m.
[Amphibian Playground]
BULLFROG: look at all u lil toad nerds
TOAD: help! a BULLYfrog!
TEACHER SNAKE: i’ll handle this *eats everyone*
i don’t have a lot of great life advice but one thing i can 100% tell you is don’t be the person sending angry drunk texts after midnight
What do you call a factory that makes okay products?
A satisfactory.
*Goes to zoo to see the world’s oldest tortoise.
Guide: He’s over 200 years old. How cool is that?
*Tortoise says something racist.
guy in the apt next door asked me if I’d be interested in pretending to be his gf for the next 2 days while his ex is in town, so my life is officially a sitcom