@Howiesbookclub

Puts an “I love Daddy” shirt on my kids until they’re old enough to read.

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@Gupton68

The worst thing about having kids is that they grow up, but the best thing about having kids is that they grow up.

@JohnPoveromo

The iWatch is awesome because it’s the fastest way to let everyone know you used to have 500 dollars.

@theshamingofjay

How many times do I have to tell you this Mom? I have thousands of fans who need to know my thoughts. So, no I can’t take out the garbage.

@Jay_FrickinLynn

I accidently opened the fitness app and my phone immediately called to report itself stolen.

@Dani_Feld

I slept like a log last night.

A badger pissed on me.

@sixfootcandy

You’re supposed to pee on a Jellyfish sting and not a jelly stain? Well that was really embarrassing.

@scorpicpanda

It’s like Grandma used to say, “All men are hilarious, until you marry one.”

@BuckyIsotope

TEENS IN THE 70S: let’s protest war
TEENS IN THE 80S: let’s protest capitalism
TEENS IN THE 90S: let’s rage against the machine
TEENS TODAY: let’s eat laundry detergent

@mattytalks

Girl are you a University of Phoenix degree because I’m pursuing you online and from my couch

@BassoonJokes

u?op ?p?sdn p?u?n?-p?dd??? ?ob ???? ??
?o? ?noq? ??? ??o?s ? s? s??? ‘?ou