Puts an “I love Daddy” shirt on my kids until they’re old enough to read.

You Might Also Like


The worst thing about having kids is that they grow up, but the best thing about having kids is that they grow up.


The iWatch is awesome because it’s the fastest way to let everyone know you used to have 500 dollars.


How many times do I have to tell you this Mom? I have thousands of fans who need to know my thoughts. So, no I can’t take out the garbage.


I accidently opened the fitness app and my phone immediately called to report itself stolen.


I slept like a log last night.

A badger pissed on me.


You’re supposed to pee on a Jellyfish sting and not a jelly stain? Well that was really embarrassing.


It’s like Grandma used to say, “All men are hilarious, until you marry one.”


TEENS IN THE 70S: let’s protest war
TEENS IN THE 80S: let’s protest capitalism
TEENS IN THE 90S: let’s rage against the machine
TEENS TODAY: let’s eat laundry detergent


Girl are you a University of Phoenix degree because I’m pursuing you online and from my couch


u?op ?p?sdn p?u?n?-p?dd??? ?ob ???? ??
?o? ?noq? ??? ??o?s ? s? s??? ‘?ou