Me: I dangle gummy worms out of my bathing suit bottoms and wear a sign that says, “Early bird gets the worm.”
Priest: Super weird, but not a sin.
You Might Also Like
*seats stuffed animals around the table for a team meeting*
Everyone, I think I’ve been working from home for too long.
Let me get this straight: Rumpelstiltskin gives you a ton of gold, saves your life, AND takes your first born off your hands and he’s a bad guy?
Moving to a new house-
Everyone: “congrats! That’s so exciting! Yay! Great news!”
My dad: “how’s the water pressure?”
[driving home in silence]
me: all i said was her husband was a really down-to-earth guy
gf: they were lowering his coffin
the weirdest thing that happened to me this month was when i got sent a counterfeit pizza hut coupon
superman accidentally arriving a thousand years too early
man: is that a bird?
Imma tattoo a QR code that, when scanned, takes people to a YouTube video about how weird it is to scan people’s tattoos
Every change you make in life starts with crafting clothes for nuns. It’s all about creating habits.
Boss: you need to take a drug test
Me: not if you want me to do this job
its actually not that difficult to tell crocodiles and alligators apart. one will see you later and one will see you in a while
Me: If Captain America and The Hulk got married they could name their kid Star-Spangled Banner
Therapist: we should start meeting twice a day
Googling definitions of well known words daily so if I need to I can plead insanity
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: Why is the fattest holiday character the one that goes down the chimney?
ME: I wish dogs could talk but they all have Scottish accents lol
GENIE: Umm, alright then, second wish?
ME: I wish cats could talk but they all have Italian accents lmao
G: Most people wish for world peace or money
ME: I wish you weren’t so judgemental
G: Wow Max great work
The year is 2087. We finally have flying cars. Grey’s Anatomy has been on for 82 years.
I’ve finally stopped drinking for good.
And I’ve started drinking for evil.
Party hack: Let your guests know it’s time to leave by having your child play a musical instrument.
Counting calories is a great way to combine super fun things like math and not eating.
Driving along the expressway and a truck with an open tailgate just bounced a cooler into the lane ahead of me and I didn’t even panic all those years of Mario Kart finally paid off
Beastie Boys: What’s the time? It’s time to get ill!
Audience: *simultaneously eats a bunch of raw hamburger*
B Boys: not like that
my father has started calling me “daughter number one” either bc (1) im the firstborn daughter or (2) im his favorite daughter or (3) he forgot my name, which is what i tell my sister, “other daughter” & my brother, “boy daughter”
How many calories does an audible sigh burn? Because I don’t think my Apple Watch is giving me credit for them.
You can learn a lot about your kids by simply turning off the TV and talking. For example I discovered that mine are really boring.
It’s like my nana once said….
You know you can block people on Twitter who confuse crochet with knitting, right?
some bucket lists are like “visit Paris”, my bucket list is more “see a guy get smucked off the top of a truck by an overpass”
BANK EMPLOYEE: what if we stayed open later than 5:30?
CEO: that’s the dumbest shit i’ve ever heard
OTHER BANK EMPLOYEE: how bout a sign outside that displays the temperature 24/7
CEO: first of all, promoted
Guys, please recycle. We wanna leave a better world for Betty White when we’re gone.
Guy who’s never heard of drugs before: “Take an edible”? Dude, just say you ate some food. Sheesh
“dont get conned into spendin our lottery money”
i wont
[calls wife back]
will 2 sharks fit in our pool?
“NO”
ok
[to salesman]
one shark pls
Them: You seem nice.
Me: Really? Try driving slowly in front of me.