A penny for your thoughts, a dollar if you keep them to yourself.
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My husband made it back from Charlotte and went directly from the airport to a “work meeting” at a casino resort. Any one else think this seems suspicious? 🤔
[answers phone in crowded elevator] give me some good news…HOW contagious?
Don’t like your daughter’s boyfriend?
Leave this on his windshield.
Me: Do you think I’m fat?
Scale: Err
What a rip off.
There’s no pot in this chicken-pot-pie.
me: lol you only hurt the ones you love
murderer: OMG shut up
New trend:
“Haunting”
It’s the opposite of ghosting. You break up, but hang around relentlessly.
My superpower is finding the humor in nearly every situation. Uncle Bob’s superpower was flying. Landing… not so much. Lol
Priest: That’s your eulogy?
INTERVIEWER: what do you consider your greatest strength
ME: …
INTERVIEWER: …
ME (38 minutes later): I’d say promptness
Life Tip: If you get a bunch of tattoos people will never ask you to babysit.
I was actually unaware there is a global crisis occurring, I’ve been in quarantine the last two weeks because of an unfortunate haircut
A number of people involved in the violence at the U.S. Capitol on January 6 are still at large. Help the #FBI apprehend them. If you recognize this individual, submit a tip to When you leave a tip, reference photo 223.
the wok is the most versatile of all the kitchen tools. i make everything in there. everything. plz test me. spaghetti? that’s waghetti now. tacos? u mean wok-o’s baby. u want some muffins, dude? flip that “m” upside-down my guy cuz we eat wuffins in this house
My three biggest fears are mouses, wolfs & proper pluralization.
When I count my blessings, I count you twice, subtract 4, multiply by 8, and divide by 15 because I don’t know how math or blessings work.
people act so amazed at shroedingers cat being alive and dead at the same time as if they’ve never met someone who works customer service
just got an 8 min standing ovation for not asking any questions during a movie.
{bedazzling my new tee shirt}
DO NOT RESUSCITATE
I traveled over 500 miles to go home and one of first things my mom says is “you need a haircut”
When the stylist spins you back around
Him: You’re sexy as hell.
Her: I’m an atheist.
Him: You’re sexy as vast abysmal and empty nothingness.
Her: Awwwww, thank you.
If its a ghost ship why does it have to be on water
I’m telling you, my cat mimics my every move. And that wouldn’t be a problem if she wasn’t constantly trying to steal my fake eye lashes
I tried to cover myself in plastic wrap as a sexy surprise, but we were out and this aluminum foil is getting itchy…
Dog kids: ughhh, homework for dinner again?
Dog mom: I had to wait outside his bedroom for three hours for him to fall asleep so I could steal this, you ungrateful little shits.
Just bought a universal remote control.
…I really wish, this changes everything..
Vulcans are space-elves.
Look at the ears.
wife: What happened to your face!? Did you get in a fight?
[flashback to me trying to buckle my toddler in his car seat]
me: Yes
Coaxing one piece of costume jewelry at a time off my toddler as she sighs and weeps like a disgraced aristocrat pawning her jewels to save the family estate
My snack didn’t taste very good.
Now I’m gonna hafta cleanse the palate w a large buffalo chicken pizza for lunch
I know. Life’s tough.