*Puts arm band, white tank top, and fake moustache on cat*
There ya go, Freddie Purr-cury.
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I was pregnant in High School BEFORE it became popular….
Me grinning like a jackass with my luggage labelled “ wayward son” and waiting for them to ask checked bag or carry-on
Don’t interrupt me while I’m embarrassing myself
The last time I was someone’s type, I was donating blood
Have kids so you can hear them say “why do I have to do everything around here?” when you ask them to feed the dog.
*at the pot store*
Ok so I need an edible that will get me just slightly buzzed – like, not so stoned I can’t cook, but just high enough to keep me from punching my racist cousin
I just saw a sign that said “if you can plan for a wedding, you can plan for a natural disaster” and in my mind those two things are the same things
I want to be buried in a spring loaded casket filled with confetti.
I just want a future archaeologist to have a great day.
until my aim improves I’m just a puncturist
6yo: I like my hair short and long. I want my hair to be short and long at the same time.
Me: *shows her a picture of a mullet*
6yo: Oh no.
[January 1st]
Moon: whatcha gonna do today
Earth: START A REVOLUTION
Just a reminder that a Cheesecake Factory menu counts as summer reading for your kids.
I had a dream that IKEA offered a ride sharing service and nobody could figure out how to get out of the car.
waiter: how do you want your eggs?
me: yellow
sam: i’m telling you
astrology is fake.
my sign is two fish. and YET, i am just one human and bad at swimming
[first day working at DMV]
Me: I hope you like paperwork
Guy: I am not a fan
Me: *cautiously lifting paperweight* sounds like something a fan would say
If you call the coffee mugs by your bed “a collection”, you never have to take them to the sink
“MEANWHILE IN MONTANA: A handful of cows found their way into a newly built home and lived in it for a month before being noticed.
The family was moving from Washington. The Aunt was supposed to be checking on the place, but she didn’t. A rancher had filed a report about missing
Remember, it doesn’t have to be the “perfect” muder, just an unsolvable one.
~me as a motivational speaker
GREAT day volunteering at the library! Noticed a local youth reading a book called “Moby D*ck” so I confiscated it before it could corrupt his innocent mind. Then I found a fun book about laughing out loud called LOLita and gave him that instead. I LOVE keeping young minds pure!
Mirror: If you break me, it’s 7yrs bad luck.
Condom: LOL
Apparently my kids think, “Be quiet for a half hour so I can take a nap,” actually means, “Host a rave in the hallway.”
marriage is so goth. it’s like “I’m in this until DEATH” jfc dude settle down
My 4yo asked if the tooth fairy pulls your teeth out in your sleep, and I deserve an award for taking the mature not-funny path of telling her “no”.
[clown interview]
Why become a professional clown?
me: [picturing getting hit in the face with cream pies every day] um I like kids
99% of my news comes from Twitter. All I know is that Adam Levine cooked a chicken in Nyquil and then called its body absurd?
Some people need a sympathetic pat on the head… with a hammer.
Cooking is kind of strange, conceptually. Who took the first slab of meat and said “we better put fire under this for 15 minutes so we don’t die”