@HaliPhacks

*Puts arm band, white tank top, and fake moustache on cat*

There ya go, Freddie Purr-cury.

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@DaddyJew

Interviewer: what’s your biggest weakness?

Dwayne Johnson: *sweating nervously* certainly not paper that’s for sure

@stEPH_u_

Every parent: do you know how to get there? You just make a left then right then through 3 lights then a left and it’s a mile ahead on the right

Me: *nods as I type the address into google maps*

@Manali_Shetye5

Me: I have to lose weight.

Me: I’m gonna exercise everyday.

Me: I’m gonna go on a diet, eat healthy and hit the gym.

Me: Is that cake?

@clusterBtraits

This cashier just held my five dollar bill up to the light in case you’re wondering how I do with first impressions.

@titusbb

A roofie? .. but how does a roof take a picture of itself? I’m so confused.

@LittleMissAngr1

Hair Stylist: *massaging my scalp* how does that feel?

Me: I would crawl through broken glass for you

Hair Stylist: what?

Me: what?

@InternetHippo

[Martian welcoming party]
We’re so excited to welcome our friends from Ear—ok it’s another robot car everybody. Why do they keep doing this

@YayForJam

Order a pizza then act confused when it arrives. “A delivery for Aaron? Aarons DEAD. He DIED ordering a pizza in this house 10 years ago”

@jackiembouvier

I can tell Spring is almost here because I’m on the verge of wanting to kill myself but I’d also like to plant some bulbs.