[puts baby in highchair]
Ohhh HIGH chair, I get it. That explains why all you do is eat, sleep & drool you stupid little stoner.
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“That video conference call went extremely well!” I say to myself, having arrived late, mouthed ‘hello’ while on mute, and left before it was over because I noticed my underwear drawer was open and overflowing in the background the whole time. “Yes, quite well.”
Mario:
– Only went outside because of a kidnapping.
– Kept to social-distancing whenever possible
– If something got too close, jumped from a safe distance and landed on its head.
– ate mushrooms to survive this surreal hellscapeBe like Mario.
Maybe Boeing should make their planes out of Legos. They seem to stick together better than whatever they’re using
My self care time these days looks a lot like me lying on the floor while my 3yo does a high impact circus routine on my back.
Whoever invented crustless pot pie clearly didn’t know why people eat pot pie.
If I’ve learned one important thing about the human race, it’s that we don’t need best-before dates on bags of potato chips.
*hot girl puts a cherry stem in her mouth*
*twists it around with her tongue*
*pulls it out*
*it spells “I LIKE YOU AS A FRIEND”*
We’re out of duct tape, craft glue, and frozen orange juice because I made a sandwich while I was drunk last night.
Scroll
Scroll
Scroll your phone,
gently down the screen.
Merilly
Merrily
Merrily
Merrily
MY GOD THAT’S OBSCENE!!!!!!!!!
When I lay all my cards out on the table, people be like “Damn, where you get all them cards?”
All summer long: Kids are healthy.
5 minutes into the 1st day of school: Everyone has Ebola
{Comes home after watching Beauty & the Beast}
ME: *Throws dumb non-singing teapot on the ground* You’re not even trying.
This is why science literacy is so important, kids.
Forgot to tie my bikini top back before I stood up from sunbathing on the beach. Now I know how to get help carrying my chairs to the car.
Thought it would be romantic to serenade this girl with some Elvis.
I swear that’s the last time I sing “You ain’t nothin but a hound dog”
Eating food off the floor, taking pills, trying to chase away ghosts? I grew up to be Pac-Man
{Apocalypse}
ME (To War, Famine, Pestilence and Death): Can I pet your horsies?
When I was a child I spake as a child, I understood as a child, I thought as a child but when I became a man I put away none of those things
Parkour is the act of moving through an environment in the fastest way possible. It’s all about speed and efficiency.
Now imagine the opposite of that. The slowest, least efficient way, to get to where you need to go. That’s what happens when my kid says he’s taking a shortcut.
[throws dirty diaper away]
– OMG WHAT R U DOING?!
– it’s gross im not touching that
– GET THE BABY OUT OF THE TRASH & CHANGE IT!
– ugh, fine
My creepy neighbour asked me if I think he’s creepy. The fact that he asked through my bathroom window after my shower just made it awkward
A time machine. But just to go back and eat the donuts I once refused.
After I drink coffee I show my empty mug to the IT guy and tell him I’ve successfully installed Java. He hates me.
me: ok, we’re all tired, let’s go to bed
5yo: what did you do to be tired?
me: *eye twitches*
Probably should schedule my next dentist appt for this week since I ate some street corn last night and this may be the only time I floss this year.
Somewhere Keanu Reeves is sad because he keeps following people on social media and getting blocked because nobody believes it’s him.
*at bank*
I always think it’s funny when I go to the bank because my last name is Banks
Teller: “haha. First name?”
*Pulls out gun*
Robin
(Cereal Mascot Support Meeting)
TRIX BUNNY: I don’t understand why I can’t have any of the cereal.
LUCKY CHARMS LEPRECHAUN: I don’t understand why these kids keep stealing mine.
FREDDY KREUGER: I think I’ve wandered into the wrong group, but have any of you thought about murder?
Ralph thought she had a nerve to scream when she was the one trying to pee on him.
*at the red lobster*
me: i will have the red lobster
waiter: okay