[puts baby in highchair]
Ohhh HIGH chair, I get it. That explains why all you do is eat, sleep & drool you stupid little stoner.
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[yelling at the DJ in a crowded nightclub] DO YOU HAVE THE DUCKTAILS THEME SONG
Sometimes you gotta go all Shakespeare on a bitch. Remove thy undergarments hastily, unless ye wisheth me to release seed upon thine eyes.
[sees hot girl in bar]
me: [takes wedding ring off] so… do you come here often?
her: give me back my ring
Me with megaphone: “COME DOWN FROM THERE. YOU HAVE SO MUCH TO LIVE FOR.”
Man: “I’m fixing your roof tiles, remember?”
Me: “I FORGOT!”
Caller: Emergency Sevices? I’m on fire.
Me: That’s great, keep up the good work.
They say that unless you remember history you are destined to repeat it.
-I say to myself every time I think about cutting bangs.
The best time to tell a girl that she have something tucked in her teeth is when there’s no mirror around and there’s nothing in her teeth.
I had a crazy dream that I weighed less than a thousandth of a gram. I was, like, 0mg!
Trainer: Run a mile on the track at your own pace.
Me: Okay. *starts running*
*halley’s comet goes by*
*trainer dies of old age*
*halley’s comet passes again*
*the sun dies*
*final episode of the simpsons airs*
Me(almost halfway done): Halfway there!
Ever since those 2 weeks in 2008 when no one noticed I was missing, I won’t go into a corn maze without a machete.
Teacher: Ok, which of you stole the thesaurus?
Student: Not me
Student: Not me
Student: Nay myself
Student: Not me
I just called my boss and told him I have explosive diarrhea. It’s my day off, but I like to keep him informed.
When I was a little kid, I used to think “this little pig went to market,” meant it was going shopping!
We only have one day set aside to celebrate women, but sharks get a whole week! Clearly, women need to start eating more people.
DATE: I like your shirt.
ME: Well you can’t have it.
Artificial intelligence is gonna be so pissed when it finds out about depression
I’m not saying my job sucks, I’m just saying that if you tried to abduct me in the office parking lot on my way into work, I’d struggle just until I was out of view of the corporate security cameras. Then I’ll happily get in your van AND I’ll buy you breakfast at Waffle House.
Me: I’m making home made soup.
H: Nice, what’s in it?
Me: *Reads ingredients from packet.
GIRLFRIEND: I think maybe you’re reading into this.
ME: *Stops packing my suitcase and holds up the one curly fry in with my regular fries* Why would this happen unless I’d been chosen for something?
The opposite of a backhanded compliment is a blessing in diss guise.
And the award for the best actor goes to my 5yo for his role in “I can’t push this bike back it’s too heavy”
The fact that my balcony isn’t facing the street makes it nice and quiet but also makes my speeches to the people rather ineffective
My youngest kid quit liking cheese, so now I have to eat it for the both of us
“Why?” – Socrates and four year-olds
Me: This is the worst escape room ever.
Boss: This is your job.
NEED SOMEONE TO FILM AN ONLYFANS VID WITH ME:
You pretend to be a mover helping me get my things from one apartment to the other. I wear a tiny sundress and you don’t touch me you just move my things. This does not pay
Kidnapper: We’ve kidnapped your son.
My dad: Please let me speak to him.
Kidnapper: He’s here.
My dad: You left the fan on, again.
I keep waiting for my Cadbury Creme Eggs to hatch into Cadbury Creme Chickens, but no luck so far. And sitting on them certainly didn’t help
Me: *drops mic*
Mic’s parents: OUR BABY!
Me: Hurry up! If mommy is late to work then I get fired then we don’t have money to pay the rent and then we’re homeless.
[Later]
6yo: [sees homeless guy] Looks like that guy was late to work.