Beethoven:Who wants to hear some Symphonies?
*crowd goes wild
B:I SAID WHO WANTS TO HEAR SOME SYMPHONIES
*crowd goes nuts
B:I CANT HEAR YOU!
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me: on second thoughts, hold the mayo
LIFE HACK: If you want to remember something write it upside down on the back of your underwear waistband. You’ll see it when you’re pooping
Decided to use the classic celebrity break up picture torn in half method to announce that my cat no longer likes these treats.
My kids are gonna give me a god damn heart attack
Homeschooling update day 3:
Me: *Googles mortality rates for homeschooling parents*
It is not stealing if you walk into a place and do not know where you are or what is happening and just take whatever food you can carry because it is the only thing that makes sense in that moment.
I am a bear.
You can’t scare me, I grew up on ‘80s horror movies and still took a job as a camp counselor on a lake.
Professor X: What’s your power?
Me: I can turn ice into cats.
Professor X: That’s ridiculous.
Police: [busting in] You’re all under arrest!
Me: I got this!
Polecats: Sonofa…
You say “aargh” and my reply is definitely “Aargh indeed.”
I’m nervous that my diet pill will stick in my throat, so I usually eat a few cookies after to help push it down.
@XplodingUnicorn LOOK WHAT ARRIVED TODAY!!! SO EXCITED!!! *Dances in place*.. 😊💃
All I got for Christmas was a sweater, I would’ve preferred a moaner or a biter.
Me: Don’t do anything special for my birthday.
*People do special things for my birthday*
Me: Oh thank God.
[at the mechanic]
me: my car makes a funny noise. listen..
mechanic: that’s the horn
[Pours goldfish into aquarium]
You’re free now“Mom? You know those are just crackers, right?”
My son asked me
“Where does poo come from?”
I was a little uncomfortable but gave him an honest explanation.
He looked a little perplexed, and stared at me in stunned silence for a few seconds and asked, “And Tigger?”
Turns out my toddler’s only ingredient for Banana Stew is bananas, and now I understand why she rolled her eyes when I asked for the recipe
BOSS: your productivity has been low
ME: it’s because my favorite employee is leaving the office in a week
BOSS: who?
ME: me
Target employee: Describe your lost item
Me: It’s a $400 rose gold Tory Burch wallet with 87 cents and 12 maxed out credit cards inside
Many people are surprised to hear I’m married because I scream it at them as I descend from their broken skylight in the dead of night.
Call Me crazy, but the ideal number of times a Pope should have once been a member of the Nazi Youth is zero.
Accidentally sent a guy a 😉 instead of a :), now one of us is probably pregnant.
I have an on again on again relationship with my couch.
me: I want to be inside you like one of those Russian dolls that keeps getting smaller and smaller
her: you’ve never sexted with a real person before, have you
Who called it a vasectomy and not a cull de sack?
[extreme Judas Priest voice]
🎶 WASHING THE HANDS
WASHING THE HANDS 🎶
“Chickfila catering?”
“Yes, sir. How big is your party?”
“Party?”
[bank robbery]
Me: this is a hold up
[later at the police station]
Cop: wait, so you weren’t one of the robbers?
Me: [just likes to say what things are] this is a police station
love that every recipe article begins extended background context now. i came here to learn how to cook, but now i’m 6 pages deep into pancake lore. it’s the lord of the rings’ appendices for the modern age.
If Miley Cyrus really wanted to shock us at the VMAs, she’d show up in a burka covered in a snowsuit and slowly add more clothing each hour.