*puts bread in toaster* hmm something strange about the toaster today
Duck(from in toaster): no there isnt
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They should make a sequel to that movie Clueless with just me trying to find the clitoris.
if I would’ve known that you were going to ask me what I was thinking I wouldn’t have been thinking what I was thinking.
Getting caught under your desk and coming up with nothing in your hand is always so hard to explain.
Me: this pot sucks
Wife: *surrendering any remaining hope of future joy* no the other kind of pot roast
Taught a parrot to repeatedly say “WHERE ARE YOUR GLOVES?” and now I don’t have to talk to my kids until Spring so that’s pretty cool.
44.65
*click*
44.87*click*
44.96*click*
44.98*click*
44.99*click*
45.01~ gas pumps
I unfollowed a guy in the Navy; too many sub tweets.
I don’t have many steadfast rules in life, but one of them is to always decline grated cheese from anyone with band-aids on their knuckles
[Seeing your baby for the first time]
Don’t say she has a big head.
Don’t say she has a big head.Me: At least you don’t have to worry about her head getting caught between the crib slats.
GREAT WHITE SHARK: *Jumps out of water & eats seal*
JUST OK WHITE SHARK: *Frantically waves flipper to try & get seaweed off but can’t*
In case anyone needs to feel better about their parenting, my 9yo saw someone inside Build-a-Bear wearing a reindeer costume and said, “Look Mom, it’s a furry.”
What doesn’t kill you probably tried, saw your tweets, and felt bad for you
I’d be a horrible stalker.. I’m always late
Taco Bell: Do you want hot sauce?
Me: [has entire drawers full of hot sauce packets] Yes please
“Oh hell yes” – Schrödinger, reading the first line of A Tale of Two Cities
Why are hemorrhoid and diarrhea so hard to spell? Like if you’re talking about them, you aren’t having a rough enough time already.
A poor analogy is like a bad comparison
If people on Twitter found a horses’ head in their bed at least 3/4 of them would get a selfie with it before calling the cops…..
Five drunk guys will start a FIGHT.
But five stoned guys will start a BAND!
Cashier: That’ll be 15 clams.
Me: *opening cooler full of shellfish* Do you have change for a lobster?
Person with an intense headache: migraines are terrible
Unsuccessful wheat farmer: mine too
Me: OMG I love this song
Radio: should I play it again
Me: okay
Radio: fifteen times
Me: wait
Radio: every hour
Me: no
Radio: for the next six months
MTV giving awards for music is the same as Fox News giving an award for unbiased journalism.
Woke up to 5:15am phone reminder telling me I need to set my alarm for 8am. Thanks last night drunk self. This is why we don’t have friends.
I had the audacity to tell my kid to get their own snack and now I’m standing in the corner thinking about my actions.
Nobody likes a quitter, Glenn.
If snakes were wide
My daughter wants to be something scary for Halloween this year so she’s going to carry a school fundraising packet to every door.
“Honey, it’s not that I don’t like your cooking, it’s just that the smoke’s about to asphyxiat our family.”
“WHAT’D YOU SAY ABOUT MY ASS??”
I’m pretty sure I could “watch this” for 24 hours straight without blinking and my 7yo still wouldn’t be satisfied.