*puts bread in toaster* hmm something strange about the toaster today

Duck(from in toaster): no there isnt

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Me: I dreamed my teacher is making me read out endless values of ?
Psychiatrist: Is it recurring?
Me: Not as far as anyone can tell


When I refer to old relatives passing away I never say “RIP” because I don’t wants them to rest. I want them to Zumba.


Me: Waking up in the morning is so difficult
Bacon: Here, lemme help you with that


I wish I was a bear, I’d be playing with my bear friends in the woods, not stuck in an elevator with these idiots. Am I talking out loud?


Y’all are stuck in 2018 watching the Olympics in 2D while I’m in the future watching it in 3D


If you want to get someone out of your office, just pull two tampons out of your purse and start air drumming.


Interview Tip #17

be polite and maintain eye contact


Interviewer: hello

Me: *staring intensely* yes please


Jokes on you TSA my body is 70% water and I just snuck it onto the plane