@Owl_Meat

*puts bread in toaster* hmm something strange about the toaster today

Duck(from in toaster): no there isnt

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@3sunzzz

M: YOU’RE USING MY $150 BLOW-DRYER TO UNFREEZE PIPES?!

H: Your WHAT blow-dryer?!

M: Never mind, carry on.

@mattgallo123

*goes to get phone out of car
*sees car has been stolen
*finds phone in back pocket
OH THANK GOD

@simoncholland

If my kids knew there was a light in the oven, they’d leave that one on too.

@WilliamRodgers

What I really love about Air Fresheners is how it makes your bathroom smell like someone just shit in your rose garden…

@GingerHotDish

I just declined a mandatory work meeting invite. I am drunk with power.

@MavenofHonor

Keep an eye on the horizon. (I‘m sending a homing pigeon with a fruit roll-up)

@bugbucket

it’s so hard being a single mom when you have no kids and are a male teenager

@chapel3929

What idiot called it an engagement ring instead of a Kneel Diamond?

@chudneyspears

Just got a paper cut on my webbing so you guys go ahead without me. It’s been fun.