@Owl_Meat

*puts bread in toaster* hmm something strange about the toaster today

Duck(from in toaster): no there isnt

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@ItsAndyRyan

Me: I dreamed my teacher is making me read out endless values of ?
Psychiatrist: Is it recurring?
Me: Not as far as anyone can tell

@jackmackenroth

When I refer to old relatives passing away I never say “RIP” because I don’t wants them to rest. I want them to Zumba.

@T_Bonezzz_

Me: Waking up in the morning is so difficult
Bacon: Here, lemme help you with that

@beccafacexo

I wish I was a bear, I’d be playing with my bear friends in the woods, not stuck in an elevator with these idiots. Am I talking out loud?

@reallyhoffman

Y’all are stuck in 2018 watching the Olympics in 2D while I’m in the future watching it in 3D

@mishakey

If you want to get someone out of your office, just pull two tampons out of your purse and start air drumming.

@FU_TangClan

Interview Tip #17

be polite and maintain eye contact

[later]

Interviewer: hello

Me: *staring intensely* yes please

@SortaBad

Jokes on you TSA my body is 70% water and I just snuck it onto the plane