*puts bread in toaster* hmm something strange about the toaster today
Duck(from in toaster): no there isnt
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I think it’s really important to always support your children even though they might say troubling things like they “don’t like chocolate pudding”
Today my battery went dead on my car key so I had to manually unlock it like the pioneers did.
I have precisely ZERO idea what people are doing when they inspect inside their egg boxes at the supermarket. But for 20 odd years I’ve dutifully opened the box, nodded appreciatively, and then put my eggs in the trolley without the faintest idea what the hell I’m doing or why.
Getting away with an expired coupon like, yes, I am a con artist.
I love the smell of cut grass and the sound of unknown footsteps in my attic.
If you don’t laugh EVERY time my phones screams..
“BRING OUT YOUR DEAD!”
We probably won’t be hiding a body together any time soon.
Kids, if you want to succeed in journalism the way to do it is to suck at your job in a way that’s useful to rich people
Treadmill salesman: This one has 12 incline levels and can maintain speeds of up to 15 miles per hour.
Me: (dumps two loads of laundry on top) I’ll take it.
To add insult to injury illiterate is hard to spell.
I really need to go on the show Survivor. Not for the money or the fame. It’s just the only way I’m ever gonna effectively lose weight.
What do you mean you come from a dysfunctional background?
“Well my mom is a compulsive hoar-“
*gasp*
“-der. Wait, what did you think I was going to say?”
Sorry, I get easily distracted
“The ship is sinking!”
Me (calmly): bring me noodles, tomatoes, and cheese
“You can save us with that?”
Me (making one last lasagna): what
You gotta know when to hold em
Know when to fold em
Know when to walk away
Know when to runThis concludes your parenting course.
shit just got real
COME TO ME JOURNALBOT
*Journalbot enters my study*
ok write this down: Polar bears are bear ghosts. “polargeists”
[very sad robot noises]
If my partner didn’t want me to wear yoga pants because they make me too attractive to other men, I’d respect his wishes and take them off.
A week into my bathroom reno has taught me that anyone that willingly buys fixer-uppers is a sociopath
Why is a good book described as a real page turner?
That’s my minimum requirement in a book
Pages that turn
person texting me: hey I’m outside
me: [covered in glue and accidentally tripping onto a pile of several thousand photos of you] uh HANG ON
Step 1) Ask mom to come meet your girlfriend.
Step 2) Text “Medusa’s excited to meet you.”
Step 3) Place statue of yourself on your lawn.
ME: *singing* ’cause we are living in an ethereal world and I am an ethereal girl you know that we are
ST PETER: *pulling trapdoor lever* Nope
well, this sucks. apparently anti bird spikes work on you even if you’re not a bird but just like sitting high
Me: I’m pregnant
Him: oh no
Me: with emotion
Him: oh, whew
Me: because there’s a baby inside me
Cats will have a King sized bed all to themselves and still lie on the one spot where you left your sweatshirt.
Flex on your party guests by requiring a CAPTCHA to flush
My kid, “mumma, what is ‘u’ doing in the spelling of a building?”.
Good one computer geniuses, you made everything “user friendly” and “intuitive” and now idiots are on the internet commenting on everything.
Don’t know how to delete tweets so please disregard the one earlier in which I angrily accused my enemies of breaking into my house without any signs of forced entry and stealing only my favourite red t-shirt as part of an evil mind game. Just realised I was already wearing it
Them: “There’s certain things that should be left unsaid”
My brain: “VOLDEMORT”.