Puts cardboard cutout of myself at my desk a week ago*
Receives check*
Dang I just got a raise
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I hate when people ask me HOW I am doing as if I KNOW THE ANSWER?!
95% of pet ownership is just saying “hello” to them in various tones.
He died doing what he loved, annoying the hell out of me and not believing I would stab him.
[date shouting over music on the dance floor]:
WHY ARE YOU HOLDING TWO CORN DOGS?
Me: BECAUSE I NEVER KNOW WHAT TO DO WITH MY HANDS!
My right hand: I’ll hold these three Trader Joe’s bags, your overstuffed tote and one awkward rope handled shopping bag
My left hand: imma pet this doggie
Using “whom” incorrectly at a party I wasn’t invited to
Ominous sub-editing fail of the day
does bisexual mean twice a sexual, or once every other sexual
who called it pissing in the woods and not toiletrees
I’ve never protested anything before but dude when I found out that pigs have like 300 nipples bruh, I was mad as hell. I made a sign for my yard about it, you know, and I stopped eating pigs milk man I didn’t touch pigs milk for maybe a month.
Why do birds,
suddenly appear,
every time,
you are near?
Just like me,
you seem to be,
made of seeds.
ABC family: Halloween Harry Potter marathon
Me: love it
ABC: Christmas Harry Potter marathon
Me: I guess there are some Christmas scenes
ABC: Thanksgiving Harry Potter marathon
Me: that’s an amer-
ABC: national girlfriend day Harry Potter marathon
Me: goddammit
Him: Is that a horse drawn carriage?
Her: I can’t quite tell
Horse: *sobbing* Well you try holding a pencil with your hooves
jesus: (on the cross) you know what i could really go for right now? a hard-boiled egg
Find someone who cares about you as much as gmail cares about new devices signing into your account
Me: But where do you see this relationship in five years?
Her: Sir! For the last time, do you want extra cheese or not?
“Mr. Trump how will you beat Hillary Clinton?”
TRUMP: I’ll win NY, Florida, Ohio, we’re going to add states, Gerzona, Timbaland, Waterworld
My confessional is just a list of things I’m willing to do for cheese
So my dad was all “stop eating my pills” and then I was like “stop melting into the floor and spinning multi colored webs you talking lamp”
Priest: so you want hear more about ‘the damnation’?
Beaver: yes please.
All this data mining and Facebook still can’t tell me what to get my wife for her birthday.
What do you call a friend who turns a wine glass into a candle holder?
An acquaintance
I mentioned to my wife that her lingerie is quite revealing…
and she replied, “Well, then wear your own!”
Is it still a walk of shame if I’m leaving my own house?
It ain’t like I’m proud of what happened in there.
Apple has solved laptop theft by making them obsolete by the time thieves get out the door.
#merica
anti-tattoo people saying “my body’s a temple” like they wouldn’t worship at a temple that had an enormous mural of a tiger fighting a cobra
I cannot remain silent any longer. It hurts my feelings when Wordle hits me with the “phew” when I get it on the last try.
hey 🙂 if you’re having a good day, i just want you to know that tarantulas can swim