[puts cone of shame on dog]
ME: (to dog) sory buddy
DOG: (to all other dogs in neighborhod) BOW DOWN TO LORD FLOFFYTON HEARER OF ALL BARKS
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I have never understood why people need to shovel snow. Why don’t they just live someplace warm where it doesn’t snow?
TIP: As you walk down a trail, use a stick to make first contact with spiderwebs. You can also use your face. Do what feels right.
New App Matches You With Others In Vicinity Who Wasted $2.99 On Same App
Is your GPS supposed to sigh before it says “Recalculating”?
I spilled coffee over my keyboard, so I spent all day asking letters from my employees.
“Give me a “g”
“Give me an “h”
They hate me now.
Today in my local Canadian newspaper there was a strongly worded editorial about littering.
January 1: GONNA WORK OUT EVERYDAY
January 2: [works out]
Jan 3: [kind of works out]
Jan 4: [too busy to work out]
Jan 5: VANITY IS BULLSHIT
Calling someone with glasses “four eyes” isn’t an insult. Know what else has four eyes? Two sharks. Now you feel stupid.
It is the year 2047. After making a movie based on every single one of its theme park rides, Disney is forced to make a movie about the line for the Disney World bathroom.
Empty out and clean a mace container.
Fill with water
Stare into the eyes of your enemies as you spray your own eyes and never blink
DTF (Down time finally)
-mom’s everywhere
<during sex>
Me: Can we pretend I didn’t just call you Uncle Joe?
Her: Not sure, it’s pretty disturbing.
Uncle Joe: It didn’t bother me.
{Prison Diary Day 7}
Nobody is respecting the Swear Jar
Tomb = Toom
Womb = Woom
Bomb = Boom
text from my dad when lebron broke the record
Time zones shouldn’t be based on geography, they should be based on age. For example, you may think it’s only 10:30, but for a 40yo, it’s actually two in the morning.
[Heaven]
Saint Peter: Welcome to the pearly gates! You’re here early; you must be dying to get in! LOL
Me: Too soon…
ME: I was just stung by a WASP.
FRIEND: Are you hurt?!
ME: Yes, she said my hair is dry, and my handbag should be on a hobo’s stick.
“WTF MAN?! You’re why Star Trek is better.”
Me: I’ve joined a 12-step program.
Friend: That’s great. What are you trying to get off of?
Me: The treadmill very quickly
My dog reacts to the vacuum cleaner the same way I react when my wife says “We need to talk”.
Birdbox, but it’s just me yelling at you not to look when the lights accidentally come on during sex.
Me: *hits snooze on alarm
Life: *sets off smoke detector
Drawing faces on light bulbs so a face finally lights up when I walk in a room.
[hospital]
“The results are in. I’m afraid you have Bad Priorities Disease. You have 1 month to live.”But does my hair look good?
Jeff Bezos could afford to buy one large candy bar for every American on Halloween but he doesn’t
My kid just tried to win an argument with “Because I said so” and I had to break it to him that only parents get to win by saying that.
Sometimes, for fun, I like to mouth words to my husband when he’s wearing earbuds. When he stops to ask me what I said, I just say ‘forget it’ and storm off.
My kids can’t hear the dog barking for 15mins to come back inside but they can hear me bite into a Pop-Tart from 3 counties away.