*Puts couch down as emergency contact*
You Might Also Like
Some people aren’t just missing a screw the whole toolbox is gone
I’m at my most Liam Neeson when my food is missing from the employee fridge.
johnny depp looks like the person who does hair and make up for johnny depp
There’s two people you never, ever, ever talk to: cops and comics.
My kids: *arguing* MOM WHO IS YOUR FAVORITE KID
Me: Connor
Kids: The boy next door?
Me: Yep
Kids: We meant out of us
Me: Still Connor
*at the pond*
“hon—there’s something i need to ask you”*emotional* yes?
*blows duck call*
*ducks on water arrange to spell out ‘TACOS?’*
OMG, you’re huge! There’s no way you’ll fit inside me.
– My clothes.
Me: ready to visit grandma?
Toddler: YAY GRANDMA! why is momma crying?
Me: she’s getting ready to visit grandma too.
Research suggests that when someone disagrees with you, you should speak faster so they have less time to process what you’re saying.
Wife: wtf is this pile of clothes doing on the floor?
Me: I struck down a Jedi.
W: god I hate you.
M: yes, use your hate
[5:30 AM alarm goes off]
Me: Wanna have a quickie?
Wife: I have to get up in 5 minutes.
Me: Oh, so regular sex then?
“Be there in 5,” I text, though I am 30 minutes away, completely nude, and engaged in a fist fight with a neighbor.
[commandos infiltrating enemy fortress]
COMMANDO 1: uh oh, we’ve got company!
COMMANDO 2: damn *opens wine and begins to set table*
*peeks under bathroom stall*
How’s the wifi signal in there?
I hate when people refer to some tv shows or snacks as “guilty pleasures.” You shouldn’t feel guilty based on what you’re eating or watching. You should feel guilty all the time.
There’s no point using Latin phrases if you don’t understand what they mean, and vice versa.
Wife: You put the wrong date on this.
Me: Oh, yeah. The year change always messes me up.
Wife: You wrote 1992.
bully: gimme ur sandwich
me [pulls knife]
bully: hey man I don’t want any-
me: -crusts. i know
me: *jumping out of a cake*
guy in next urinal: DUDE
My son asked why some mommies and daddies live in different houses, so I sat him down and told him the truth… their kids complained about slow WiFi and never went to bed on time.
Lord give me coffee to change the things I can…and vodka to accept the things I cannot.
Amen!
[nudging the person next to me on the bus until they remove their earbuds]
hey i think i saw a horse a couple miles back
My boss just criticized me, saying that my writing is almost unintelligible and unbecoming a professional, but I don’t think it’s portmantotally malapropriate.
[inventing the boomerang]
OH SHIT, IT’S BACK
[Opens a beer at the park]
“Dude. There’s kids here.”
Oh shit how rude of me. [turns] IF YOU KIDS WANT SOME BEERS THEYRE IN THE COOLER
Twitter is a giant book club, for perverts with no attention span.
Them: Sex without marriage is a sin.
Me: Well, technically, I am married, just not to him.
The year is 1981. Everybody’s working for the weekend.
2044: the weekend becomes sentient.
2048: Everybody’s working for the weekend.
surgeon: scalpel.
me: careful, it’s sharp! haha
[everyone screams]
me: what? i held my breath for 2 mins during anesthesia to make that joke
Went to WalMart today and still had all my kids when I got home. Next week, I’ll try harder.