[puts dog in car]
Me to wife: just gonna take her to the vet
Wife: why u whispering
[car screeches away]
Me with wife in headlock: thats why
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I grew up before google, and as a kid I didn’t know bread was slang for money. Spent my childhood wondering why they put bread in Billy Joel’s jar.
Big fight with the husband, apparently there is a correct way to roll up a garden hose.
Sometimes I go to the beach just to show those handsome young men what they’ll look like in twenty years.
“What race was the guy?” – a question you’ll never have to ask my uncle during a story.
da Vinci would have 35 million followers and be constantly referred to as an influencer
me: how do i tell my wife i want a divorce?
wife: not like this
I just found out that all the different colors in Fruit Loops are the same flavor, and now I don’t know what’s real anymore
NOBODY MOVE I JUST LOST A FOLLOWER AND HE IS PROBABLY ALONE AND FRIGHTENED
I always watch The Shining with family around Christmas time to remind them what happens if we spend too much time together.
When you show someone a photo on your phone and they start scrolling through your photos, it’s legal to slap their nosy face.
Cleaning the rocks of the earth one load of my kids’ laundry at a time
date: So what do you do?
me: *pulls out stuffed fox* I’m a taxidermist
date: Oh wow
fox: and a ventriloquist
My latest business venture is not-for-profit, apparently.
Him: How does my football throw look to you?
Me: Like you’re good at science…
I’m convinced that my wife took 9 years of education at 3 different colleges just to win all the arguments for the rest of my life.
We had a pleasant conversation about how we hate talking to people and then he said that this is a good reason for us to…
Me: … fall in love?
Him: … stop talking to each other.
Taco Bell doesn’t have a playground because its hard to have fun when you might shit your pants
help keep the English language alive by teaching your kids nearly outdated expressions
Plus nothing beats a 5yo pointing & yelling “BEHOLD!”
Tom Waits has officially hit peak Tom Waits
Two companies that hate each other? Probably KIA and …Nokia
*learns about complementary colors*
in my head:
red: that shirt looks so nice on you!
green: thanks! your shoes are perfect!
blue: screw you guys
There’s just something about my posture after sitting in front of a computer for hours, a certain je ne sais quasimodo
If Thor is a woman, what’s next? Woman doctors? Woman lawyers? Woman mothers? When will it end?
i hate “oomf” because i do not read it as “one of my followers” i read it as mario taking damage in mario 64
Yes, Firefox. I will abort the script but only to save the life of the web page.
Beards are a privilege, not a right
The year 2077. Due to the dog filter, face swap, and distortion filters, senior citizens have no idea what they really looked like as teens.
to people who call it “supper” and not “dinner”: do you also have some crops to tend to? would you like me to go fetch you water from the well past the prairie? are the cold winter months coming? have you hunted for meat recently? is the bread ready? have you smelt the tears of
I’m afraid of people who keep smiling all the time. I feel like they still have plenty of space left for more bodies in their basement.
[we arrive at the Pet Sematary]
Jud: we’ll rest here, but there’s a… a place further on, it’s got power
Me: how much further on
Jud: three miles
Me: *finger guns* no thank you
[I chuck my dead cat into the woods and go home]