*puts down 1000 page thesis*
*adjusts microphone*
*looks at audience*So, and hear me out, what if Mr. Miyagi actually paid those schoolboys to bully that kid so he can get his house fixed?
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Sex so good you forget you’re married…to each other.
[the invention of tennis]
“I don’t want this ball.”
“Well, I don’t want it either.”
Letting my cat know in a positive way that he’s looking very round today.
My wife just sent me a text ” I just bought you the best Christmas present! xox :)” …..I hope she misspelled Xbox
Kids today have it easy!
In the old days, before smartphones & Instagram, by the time we finished the painting, our food was already cold.
Halfway through my stand-up routine I started getting heckled. The crowd shouted such insults as “This sucks” and “Stop it” and “Why are you doing this to us, Mom?”
Only 99 problems?
Pfft. Amateur.
At soccer today my 5 yo realized one teammate was actually his friend from school. It’s been a month. This is everything you need to know about his attention to detail.
I’m the smart one, the funny one AND the good looking one.
*must be why I’m single
what if waldo was in the witness protection program and the books are just a way for the mafia to find him?
The doctor said to treat my daughter’s scratch with alcohol, so I kissed it.
SHARK WEEK: JAWS
shark weak: dentures
I eat my corn on the cob like an old-school typewriter. This is how the 80’s cartoons taught me to do it as a kid.
A woman at my gym tonight told me my kids look just like me because they inherited my “small face.” Can somebody help me out, because I just really need to know if I should be offended.
“Please, take me out to dinner!”
“I don’t date married women, sorry.”
“I’m your wife!”
“No exceptions!”
me: bye bye miss american pie
miss american pie: “bye-bye”? what are you, four years old?
me: this is why i’m leaving. you’re a mean lady
9am: “Right, that’s my sandwich made ready for lunchtime”
9.05am: “Right, that’s that sandwich eaten”
“An apple a day takes Billion Dollars away” ~ Samsung
[on phone]
me: honey I won some free tickets
wife: cool, for what?
me: speeding and resisting arrest
wife: never heard of them
I’ve always wanted a monkey, so I bought one at auction today.
I’ve had him about an hour now.
Anyway….. Monkey for Sale.
My family can’t decide what kind of Lab to get (Chocolate, Yellow, Black, etc.) so we drew straws.
I won, so we’re getting a Meth.
For my lower body, I do 30 squats and 30 lunges. For my upper body, I put on and take off my sports bra.
[texting my friend]
me: sorry I missed your party yesterday
friend: it’s today actually
me: read this again tomorrow then
king arthur: has anyone seen the guy who cuts open everyone’s boils
*knights murmuring*
sir lancelot: I’m here your majesty
Nothing says “high-functioning alcoholic” like being really good at darts.
STOP using Halloween as an excuse to dress slutty – dress slutty every day
Turned off my lights for “earth hour”. I’ve never had so many other cars honking at me.
I WISH I WERE PAC-MAN SO WHEN I GOT UPSET I COULD EAT SOME CHERRIES & EVERYONE AROUND ME WOULD TURN INTO GHOSTS
If Twitter has taught me anything it’s
[several hours later]
time management.
Remember, you can always call your senator and leave a bloodcurdling scream.