*puts down window
Officer: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Yes
*puts up window and drives away
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Couldn’t remember the name ‘komodo dragon’ earlier so I called it a biguana.
Watching two people at work argue about who put the empty milk back in the fridge when it was me.
tired: rom-coms sold us lies about love
wired: rom-coms sold us lies about building a career in journalism
The in-laws took my kids for a sleepover giving us the first kid-free night in years. So, of course, a jackhammer started in front of our house at 7:30am
Wife and daughter are baking which means the air is filled with people arguing about baking soda.
[first day on a new job]
Me: I’ll admit. I’m a workaholic. I tend to bring my work home with me.
Zoo keeper: Put down the penguin.
Clerk: we’re not that kind of mom and pop shop
Batman: *eyes welling*
I’m not ready for the pandemic to be over…
I have yet to bake a single loaf of bread
As a kid: I hope to one day cure diseases and be an Olympic swimmer.
Me as an adult: I hope to one day finish a bottle of shampoo and conditioner at the same time.
Gods work.
I like listening to Phil Collins in the shower. He gets creeped out when he sees me, though.
Stairway to heaven vs highway to hell, sounds to me like being bad scores you wheels in the afterlife
Wife : A jogger was murdered in the park last night.
Me : Well that’s all the motivation I need. *Goes for a jog in the park*
The sacred dance of avoiding eye contact with people you know in the grocery store.
You can’t always get what you want, but if you cry loud enough you’ll at least have the satisfaction of making everyone really uncomfortable
When you finally manage to get the piece of popcorn out of your teeth
Never seen anyone in Nandos or McDonald’s pick up an appropriate amount of napkins – you’re cleaning up after a burger not a double homicide
The secret to fluffy pancakes is gently folding the souls of people who annoy you into the batter.
9: How old was I when I was 3?
me *grabs hammer* *smashes college fund jar*
*works from home*
*files claim for hostile work environment*
Snow White is baking a pie with squirrels and chipmunks and there’s not one turd anywhere.
Not one.
I’ve got 45 chairs in my garage from receptionists asking me to take a seat.
*tapping DJ on the shoulder* YOU NEVER SAID WHAT TO DO WITH OUR HANDS IF WE DO CARE
[phonecall]
murderer: I’m outside your houseme: I’m at the supermarket
murderer: ok
me: I’ll be there in 10
“Can I get a do-over?” – Me, playing golf, tennis (or pretty much any sport), taking a test, having sex, making a speech, living my life….
I had a dream that I was making an offer on a house and it came with 12 kids. I asked the owner “why aren’t you taking all your children?” She replied “I don’t like them.”
I thought dreams weren’t supposed to make sense.
just nearly combined “no worries” and “all good” into the powerful concluding remark “all worries”
Just saw a sign that said free hugs. I didn’t even know Hugs was arrested
FIRST GUY TO EAT A BANANA: hey this is good come here and try it
FIRST GUY TO SLIP ON A BANANA PEEL: ok
Good news! That lump I found in my breast turned out to be a Skittle.