*puts eight small cups of urine on the nurse’s station*

Nurse: We only need one.

*puts seven small cups of urine in my purse*

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Wife: I think my husband is spying on me.
Friend: You’re probably overreacting.
Me: *dressed as a bartender* Can I get you ladies a drink?


I got a call at work telling me my daughter missed period number 3.
When I woke up in the ambulance it turns out it was the school calling.


Customer spelling her name:

Me: Is that V as in Victor or Z as in Zebra?
Her: Z as in Xylophone.

And this, kids, is why education is key.


ME: eat your veggies so you grow up big and strong

SON: *looks me up and down* you didn’t eat your veggies, did you

ME: *under breath* damn, son


Friend: *sees my new tattoo of dogs kissing* Whoa! Is that permanent?!
Me: Yup.
Friend: Wow. What’s it mean?
Me: It means I can’t remove it.


If Jesus loves me how come he’s never liked a single one of my instagram selfies


What’s that thing called when your crush likes you back? Oh yeah. Imagination.


Just got kicked out of Chipotle for knowing what I wanted when I got to the front of the line.


Wild horses could easily drag me away from anything, even from my favorite activity. Wild horses are super crazy strong.


god: u can eat things twice ur size

snake: ok but how

god: go like 😮


god: then u just kinda :O