*puts eight small cups of urine on the nurse’s station*
Nurse: We only need one.
*puts seven small cups of urine in my purse*
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i hate the assumption that people who get up early are doing it to be productive. i’m up at 6:30 am to watch movies
why is it called “free time” when i use it to spend all my money
My wife learned the closer you travel to the speed of light, the longer you live. Now she drives like she wants to live forever.
Shakespeare: shall I compare thee to a summer’s day?
Me: sure
Shakespeare: okay. summer’s day > you
Got banned from being a chef in every restaurant in town because every time someone sent back a pavlova I would call it a boomeringue
Good morning to everyone except my baby, who already said good morning to me at 1 a.m., 3 a.m., and 5:46 a.m.
[in the bedroom]
Her: *seductively reaches towards my hair*
Me: Babe…don’t touch the bandana
i feel sorry for people who say things like less is more because they’ve obviously never had sex or french fries
I like to establish dominance by asking the cop, “know why I pulled you over?” first.
Long story short, I need bail money.
me: god made me weak because he feared what i could do
my wife’s boyfriend: it’s okay bud, you loosened the jar for me
living with roommates is fun because you get to learn what their parents think should be refrigerated
Guys I finally came up with a name for our character: Spongebob
“Perfect!”
Thanks
“What’s his last name?”
Oh, uh- *looks at pic* Squarepants
*Removes ‘Loves to bake’ from online dating profile
I’m not trying to sound like a conspiracy theorist but isn’t a little suspicious these hurricanes keep happening in alphabetical order??
Welcome to Starbucks how may I help you?
“Regular coffee with cream please”
That’s $40, 5ml of unicorn tears, and 10 dragon scales.
“TEN?”
If Scooby-Doo taught me anything, it’s that if you want to kill someone, do it in a retirement community, where pets aren’t allowed.
Work like you don’t need the money: Just stop and go home. Who cares? You don’t need that money
Dominos just called to let me know my pizza’s on the way. They correctly assumed I’d need time to find my pants.
taking cats to the vet is hard because you can’t lie and be like, “we are going to the park!” since they don’t want to go there either.
Woman: I love a man with an accent
Mán: Well hello there
Tim Cook announces iPhone charger cord to be long enough to reach a socket, Apple stock price quadruples.
Me: I’ll end up doing the laundry later or later.
Husband: Don’t you mean “I’ll do it sooner or later”?
Me: Aww thanks babe, I hate laundry.
Nothing says “till death do us part” quite like a prenup.
*loses my composure*
Weigh me now
friend: you should name your plants
me: why
friend: it’s just a cute thing people do
me: oh ok. *pointing to rose bush* this is Lily
friend: wait
me: *pointing to lily* this is Iris
friend: no—
me: *pointing to Iris* this is Rosemary
friend: I hate you
good prank: sneak into someone’s house every night over a year and replace thier toilet with a slightly larger one until it fills tthe room
bet marie kondo is wishing she had more shit in her house right about now.
I went to a wildlife rehabilitation center today and none of the animals were still doing drugs. A massive success!
Child: I need to be dismissed from school, my stomach hurts.
Also child, after being dismissed: [orders himself DoorDash from McDonald’s at 8 PM]
I been hollering for the past 10 minutes 😂😂😂