I changed my car horn to gunshot sounds.
People get out of the way much faster now.
*puts ex in Memory Lane*
*revs car engine*
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[wedding day of the girl that got away]
any reason why these two shouldn’t be married, speak now or forev[sound of a dirt bike approaching]
GOD: *invents mouse* I like it
MOUSE: Yes this is “mousestanding” work haha
GOD: *invents cat*
Say goodbye to unsightly carpet stains by strategically repositioning your furniture.
Days after my plane crashed, I find a phone. Thankfully, it has enough battery for me to go online & argue with strangers. I remain stranded
Jane Austen really squandered the opportunity to write a sequel called “2 Proud 2 Prejudiced.”
Shades by Gucci, shirt by Dolce&Gabbana, face by Douchebag.
“I’m sorry sir, but we don’t have any bowling shoes left”
*gestures towards a happy family of centipedes bowling*
WHISKERS: There’s nothing there. Go ahead.
BLIND PERSON: *Steps off cliff*
^– why we don’t have seeing-eye cats
My grandma has been lying to me for years. A watched pot really does boil. Moral of the story, trust no one.