@junejuly12

*puts ex in Memory Lane*

*revs car engine*

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@ThatEggChick

I changed my car horn to gunshot sounds.

People get out of the way much faster now.

@murrman5

[wedding day of the girl that got away]
any reason why these two shouldn’t be married, speak now or forev[sound of a dirt bike approaching]

@ArfMeasures

GOD: *invents mouse* I like it

MOUSE: Yes this is “mousestanding” work haha

GOD: *invents cat*

@JohnLyonTweets

Say goodbye to unsightly carpet stains by strategically repositioning your furniture.

@Michael1979

Days after my plane crashed, I find a phone. Thankfully, it has enough battery for me to go online & argue with strangers. I remain stranded

@samiru27

Jane Austen really squandered the opportunity to write a sequel called “2 Proud 2 Prejudiced.”

@AbbeYaar

Shades by Gucci, shirt by Dolce&Gabbana, face by Douchebag.

@KyleMcDowell86

[Bowling Alley]

“I’m sorry sir, but we don’t have any bowling shoes left”

*gestures towards a happy family of centipedes bowling*

@Shanomenonandon

WHISKERS: There’s nothing there. Go ahead.
BLIND PERSON: *Steps off cliff*
WHISKERS: Technically

^– why we don’t have seeing-eye cats

@MountainDouche

My grandma has been lying to me for years. A watched pot really does boil. Moral of the story, trust no one.