*puts ex in Memory Lane*
*revs car engine*
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When a coworker tells everyone he proposed, I’m the guy that asks, “So, what did she say?”
I’m funny that way.
Texting my boss to let him know how excited I am for work tomorrow
Wanna feel old? Of course you don’t. Have a great day.
“I’m so sorry about your grandma passing away. If there’s anything I can do, just name it.”
“How are your resurrecting skills?”
Can you imagine how awkward it would be if your pet went on your phone and saw the hundreds of pictures you’ve taken of them sleeping..
Cats playing poker makes more sense. Dog’s tails would be a tell.
Wife [returns home] have you eaten
Me: have you eatenWife: are you copying me?!
Me: are you copying meWife: I Love You
Me: I already ate
[police station]
LIEUTENANT: do you have an alibi for the night of the murders
SAILOR: i was a hundred feet below sea level in a submarine
SERGEANT: dammit boss that’s airtight
*Romantically carries pizza over threshold
App: This app would like to use your location.
Me: NOT NOW I’M SITTIN’ ON THE TOILET!!
If you give a man a fish he’ll eat for a day but if you teach a kid how to make pop tarts your job as a parent is pretty much done
When people are making out in public make things even more awkward by applying chapstick and announcing you’re next
This nice guy next to me on the flight just offered to switch seats so I could sit next to my family.
“Oh they paid extra to have someone sit in between us so they don’t have to be near me.”
I’m pretty sure he didn’t realize it was a joke, and the flight is really tense now.
Pal: I thought you weren’t supposed to eat for an hour after taking that medicine.
Me: Grapes aren’t food. They’re itty bitty water balloons.
[First day as pirate]
*sword tip pokes me in back*
*sighs*
*walks plank*Me: Whatever, y’all are out of rum anyway.
Him: You drank it all!
stanley hudson: [on deathbed] I’m amazed I lasted as long as I did
michael scott: that’s what she said
[Hiking]
Me: Want some trail mix?
Her: This is just a sandwich bag full of rocks and twig-
Me: All from this trail!
I’m pretty sure my little brother exists only because I got too old to be my mama’s remote control.
Today my youngest has her “preschool graduation,” and oh, how I will try to control my tears*
*of joy that she will be in school full day come fall
Cop: Will I find any drugs in your car?
Me: I don’t know but if you do, I’m not sharing.
This could be the whiskey talking but I don’t think I should be jury foreman.
I once stayed in a motel that was so seedy, the Bible in the drawer only had 7 commandments
One of the best parts of marriage is having someone to hate the couples on House Hunters with.
Me: I’m surprised at how winded I am after this exercise.
Trainer: this was the tour of the gym…
I just opened a Valentine’s Day card that was filled with heart confetti. I don’t remember the last time I was this angry.
why do i pat the top of my sandwich like great job now you must die.
When listening to skinny girls talk about losing weight it’s perfectly reasonable to battle cry then karate chop their tiny stomach’s.
The monsters under my bed used to threaten to eat me but now they just whisper something stupid I did 12 years ago.
Most Unsafe Christmas Toys:
Fisher-Price My First Deep Fryer
LEGO Chewables
Nicotine Patch Dolls
Barbie’s Poorly Wired Dream House
can’t talk my ride’s here