Puts fitbit on dogs collar. Throws the ball around. Sits on the couch and eat chips. Wins all the challenges

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me: help i’m being murdered

911: sounds like you’re tattling

me: what

murderer: it does sound like you’re tattling


[me as a poltergeist]
*putting forks in the spoon section of the cutlery drawer* ooooOooOooooo


My husband complained that I never do a Sunday roast so I’ve spent the last hour writing jokes about his bald spot, his skinny legs and the fact that he can’t grow a beard.


Didn’t find a dead body on my hike again today this is starting to get frustrating.


I didn’t choose the thug life, the thug life chose me; mistakenly as it were because I have the nerves of a guinea pig and puke when I cry.


*Bashar al-Assad pulls the fake handshake/hair slick move on Trump*
Dems: Yesssssss! Assad is bae now!


I just switched my doorbell to the sound of a shot gun loading.


Wife just said “burgs” instead of “burgers” and now I’m a little scared to think of what she’s going to do with all the time she saved.