@68Cly29

Puts fitbit on dogs collar. Throws the ball around. Sits on the couch and eat chips. Wins all the challenges

You Might Also Like

@geowizzacist

(Teaching my kid about screwdrivers)

Remember: righty tighty, lefty loosey.

That’s it now the vodka’s open get the orange juice.

@fillthevacuum

Some people around here retweet like it’s coming out of their booze allowance.

@Carbosly

If I ever visit Japan, the first thing I’ll do is run through those paper walls pretending I’m the Kool-Aid man.

@gabeserra

My 3 yr old puts himself in timeout whenever he doesn’t want to do something we ask him to. Pretty sure he just beat the system.

@LurkAtHomeMom

Friend: OMG did u see the thing on the news about the sinister clowns?

Me: *flashback to me watching the debate* yeah I think I saw that

@JoanBaileyy

Me: ” *types in password*, Password Doesn’t Work” ** OMG I’M HACKED**…. *oh wait… never mind, CAPS LOCK WAS ON..*

@kelly_eberle

I spent 5 min. in the dark trying to get my charger in my phone. I’m embarrassed & I feel like I owe some dudes from high school an apology.

@SadMeterologist

-I heard this dog was chipped.
-Microchipped sir.
-I don’t care how small the chip is, I’m not paying full price.

@Sotherans

ME: it was a dark and cold february morning in a town of secrets

ME: (feet on desk) the dame walked in like a panther lost in a Toys-R-Us – angry and full of questions

CUSTOMER: look do you have the book or not

ME: (lights cigar) she had bad news written all over her

@missmayn

I find it in poor taste that the 1am drive-thru attendant asks “How are you?” Not good, Maria. Clearly.