Puts fitbit on dogs collar. Throws the ball around. Sits on the couch and eat chips. Wins all the challenges
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[sexting]
HER: I want u so bad
ME: badly
HER: what?
ME: badly…not bad…it should be an adverb
HER: you don’t sext very good
ME: you mean I don’t sext very WELL
[a magic show]
me: is this your card?
him: no
me: is this your card?
him: no
me: is this your card?
him: no
me: is this…
[1 hour later]
…him: no
me: is this your card?
him: no
me: is this your card?
him (a policeman): my god, how many credit cards did you steal?
Cat: [coughing up a hairball]
French tutor: very good
Adulthood is equal parts ‘nobody can tell me what to do’ and ‘I wish someone would tell me what to do’
Sex so kinky your foam mattress has to repress the memory.
“Oh shit, I’m supposed to go find them…”
Who?
“The kids. We were playing hide and seek.”
-my husband, about 20 minutes into a conversation he and I were having
I never finish anything. I have a black belt in partial arts.
Me: Do you wear clothes under your robe because otherwise it would be too itchy?
Attorney: My client means, “not guilty,” Your Honor.
When people ask me if my twins are natural I say no they’re robots.
My doctor advised me to ease back into my exercise regime. So, today I plan on driving past the gym slowly.
Boss: You’re fired
Me: No YOU’RE fired
Boss: No
Me: Yeah
Boss: *starts sweating*
I’m surprised the sloths made it to the ark in time.
If you get lost on Columbus Day you’re allowed to just choose and occupy a new home, regardless of its current occupants.
The more you know
I was trying to be fancy using a pepper grinder and now I’m just exhausted from the manual labor
My elbow watching me do a full skin care routine on my face.
Dancing Prime Minister
Dancing Chancellor of the Exchequer
Dancing Lord Privy Seal
-ABBA explores dance vis-a-vis constitutional monarchies
Friend: excited for your date?
Me: no I just found out what we do at the end
Friend: kiss?
Me: *thinking about tipping* math
That awkward moment when the
Priest uses YOUR confession as the
theme for his sermon.Again.
10: *mischievously to her sister* One foot, two feet, so for one boot, it’s two beet.
7: Noooooo, it’s booties!
Just saw one of those giant centipedes run though my living room so now I’m gunna sleep with a flamethrower and a full metal jacket.
Millennials urban dictionary everything… I come from a time when the thesaurus roamed the earth.
When your friends are on their phones, but you ran out of things to check
HR: you list 911 as your emergency contact
me: i hear they’re the best
I bought a smart light switch but was regularly getting outwitted, so swapped it for a dimmer switch.
Amal Clooney bought hubby George a riding lawnmower for his 55th birthday. I have never been so jealous of a garden tool in my life.
[Reporting live on scene]
Weatherman: how much rain are you seeing?
Me: Christ Gary, all of it.
Stop putting words in my mouth. That’s were I keep my feet.
Hipsters probly don’t eat carrots since they lose interest in things when there not underground anymore.
i get hit by lightning while flying a kite:
“what a dumbass”
“he might be dead”ben franklin gets hit by lightning while flying a kite:
“genius”
“let him create our entire political system”
“put him on money”
“sex symbol”
No coffin for me thanks. I want to be creamated and have my ashes stored in a nice Tupperware container.