shop assistant: can i help you find something?
me: a meaningful connection in an improbable world filled with chaotic and ultimately meaningless coincidences
shop assistant:
me: or laundry detergent
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Her: If you hear something in the woods, you tell me. if you hear something in the water, you tell me. But under no circumstances are you allowed to take off your blindfold.
Me: All this just because you forgot to pack your makeup for our camping trip?
If I ever get burned at the stake, I鈥檓 filling my pockets with popcorn kernels to make a nice snack for the audience.
My new yoga instructor’s name is Matt so I called him “Yoga Matt” & he said “yeah, don’t ever call me that”. Yoga Matt isn’t very zen.
ME: Sorry boss, I can’t make it in today. Because of Ebola.
BOSS: You have Ebola?
ME: No but someone does and I am FREAKING THE HELL OUT
“Turtle Power” is not an appropriate response when HR asks you how you plan to meet your objectives this year. Apparently.
Some days I want to leave everything and just run away with him. Other days I want to own 3 baby dragons and be fireproof and naked.
Spending the day removing $1.6 billion worth of stuff from my Amazon shopping cart.
[phone sex]
GF: Tell me you want me
ME: I want you badly
GF: How badly?
ME: I want you [checking thesaurus in a panic] haphazardly
Me: I have 7 things to tell you about your house. Number 4 may shock you.
Customer: You are the worst electrician ever.
An accountant who disappears with all his client’s money is a math magician.
Welp, ’tis officially the season when the evil things come out. I’m talking, of course, about candy corn.
FLORIDA MAN SUFFOCATED TO DEATH AFTER HAVING SEX WITH PET ANACONDA
Therapist: it鈥檚 not real. you have to stop deluding yourself
Me: no I really am a gryffindor I swear
Therapist: abbie, we both know you鈥檙e a hufflepuff
Handing out one tic tac each this Halloween so that children can learn that life is full of little disapointments
Which is faster, hot or cold?
Hot, because you can catch a cold.
I asked my kid if he had a good day at kindergarten and he said it was a really good day and his friend fell off a stool. I don鈥檛 know if these two facts are related.
[tsunami approaching]
guy: RUN
me: wait why is the T silent
All I鈥檓 saying is nothing feels better than using a decorative towel.
Judge: how do you plead?
Me: Hakuna Matata.
Judge: what does that mean?
Me: I’m glad you asked *deep breath* 馃幎…
Him: How ’bout this rain?
Me: It makes my asshole itchy.
And that, my friends, is why you don’t talk to strangers on elevators.
The song said “Everybody Wang Chung” and apparently, I’m the only one who can follow directions in the produce section of this grocery store
Teen: Mom, I forgot my key and I won’t be home until midnight. Can you leave the front door unlocked?
– clearly my teen needs to watch more true crime documentaries.
guys named stephen “can’t ephen.”
Snake: What do you do?
Gun shop owner: I’m an arms dealer.
*snake gets super excited*
[Me at the gym]
Excuse me sir, does your little brother know you鈥檙e stretching out his shirts every day?
Long story short don’t use sewing scissors to trim your nose hair if you’re drunk
“But, Daddy, I don’t want to shower, because after I’m done with the shower, and before I dry off, I’m really soaked…”
– My kid, coping with the realization that water is wet.
[son hands me a picture he painted]
Me: what’s that
Son: it’s our house
Me [walks outside with son]: do you see how it absolutely isn’t?
Me: *scrunches my face*
13: Your forehead looks like one of those people from Star Trek.
Me: *gasps* HOW DARE YOU!… you know we’re a Star Wars family.
Legit call from the school:
Principal: I just wanted to touch base with you. Your daughter was baiting seagulls into the playground with gummy worms and actually caught one; Like in her arms. It did bite her鈥攏ot hard, but I needed to inform you that we filed an incident report