[Command Center]
*opens map*
*traces route*
*marks intercept point*
*drives*
*waits*
*target arrives
*tackles*Liquor Delivery Guy: Again?
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Being stuck at home for the last 3 months and waiting for FedEx today makes me understand why dogs go nuts when the mailman shows up.
If video games taught me anything it’s that you don’t need to work because there’s precious gems just laying around everywhere.
Someone wished me a Happy Independence Day and I told him this is America, and we say Merry Christmas here, buddy.
FB: you have memories to look back on
Wine: i’ll take care of this
Pregnant women are full of ‘compressed heir’
[showing people around museum] and if u look to ur left you’ll see a bunch of uppity people who get reaaal weird when you lick the paintings
I doubt anyone’s actually “dying” from seeing a cute baby picture on FB, but we can always dream.
I’m not saying you’re stupid, but you look like the kind of guy who’d play Russian roulette with an automatic pistol.
*mob meeting*
ayo new guy—who’re you?“they call me the butcher”
oh yea? why’s that, butch?
*smacks him with a pork loin* “no reason”
criminal: oh no it’s lobster man
lobster man: [quickly sidestepping around them] move one inch and you get the pinch
criminal: [takes out rubber bands]
lobster man: oh god no
Simultaneously brilliant and awful.
[1st ever peacock to open up his tail]
hey fellas, I dunno what it is, but
i. feel. fantastic.
Dr. Seuss: Would you could you in a box?
Would you could you with a fox?me: ok what kind of doctor are you anyway
[second day of ninja training]
“Glad to see you’re all taking this more seriously. All except you, Glen. The tap shoes and air horn are, to say the least, antithetical, to what we’re doing here.”
When a woman has her husband’s last name, my first assumption is that they got married in their 20s. I feel like by your 30s, you’ve absolutely maxed out on paperwork.
My pre-nup will indicate that I’m allowed to unplug your life support system should my phone need charging.
A black shape emerges from your attic; all you can see are claws. You’ve made $4000 in 30 minutes working from home, but at what cost?
If I don’t win Mega Millions tonight, I’m going to have to mend a lot of fences tomorrow.
me: I put a siren on your car
cop: what’s that soun–
*an ancient greek ship bursts through the wall*
If you breed Catdog with a catfish, you have a 25% chance of getting a pure cat.
if ur ever losing an argument all u have to say is “yeah yeah yeah, save it for the judge” and walk away
Cop: Do you know how fast-
Toddler in backseat: We’re playing a game called “hide this bag for Daddy!”
Cop: …Sir is that your son
Me: I don’t have a son
Before gunpowder, entire wars were fought with nothing but pinecones and latent rage.
He’s mysterious like the fish in gas station sushi
Doctor 1: burrowing mites under the skin is pretty gross, but how do we make it sound even grosser?
Doctor 2: let’s call it scabies
Doctor 1: YES!! done
cat 911: hello
cat: i need to report a murder
cat 911: kevin, is this you again
cat: yes
cat 911: what did we tell you kevin
cat: [long pause] that my food bowl being 1/3 empty is not a murder
Me: SORRY I HAVE TO HANG UP I’M HEADING INTO A TUNNEL
* hangs up land-line *
Women and electronics aren’t very similar until they both freak out on you for throwing water on them while they’re in “sleep mode”.
Me: Dear Santa…
Santa: *scrolling my TL*
I’m going to just stop you right there.