[puts hand on wife’s stomach as baby kicks]
Come out here & try that.
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[Date]
Her: you’re a twin too?! what does your brother do?
Me: *trying to hide that I keep him in a medically-induced coma in case I need his organs* not much
Her: …
Me: you see I keep him in a medically-induced coma in case I need his organs
I get why polyamory is so popular in California. It takes 3 incomes to survive and 4 to have nice things.
MY PARENTS ARE OUT OF TOWN SO I CAN FINALLY WINK AT THE CAT AS MUCH AS I WANT
– Dracula darling, you have something stuck in your teeth.
– Vhere, here?
– No…
– Here?
– No, just go look in-
– GO LOOK IN WHAT, SARAH?
I don’t have emotional baggage , I have got a small carry on griefcase
Seems a lot like 2021 keeps asking, “What would 2020 do?”
Some ppl are like, bury me and plant a tree so I live on in nature and I’m like, same but plant potatoes so I can live on in french fries
Was just called down to Human Resources.
Apparently replying “Unsubscribe” to every email I get is frowned upon.
If quitters never win, and winners never quit, who came up with, “Quit while you’re still ahead?” 🤔😉🤣🤣
[dies, meets god]
explain Florida
30 is weird because I have pictures of my friends’ kids on my camera roll but also like a ton of nudes.
We are taking care of my friend’s dog for the rest of the month.
She’s been with us about 45 minutes so far. My boyfriend has said “I love you” three times already.
It took at least six months of dating before we said that to each other.
the things my dad sends my mom 😭😂
I swear to god, the next car that cuts me off will be driving in front of me.
Inkling sounds like a baby octopus
Who called it the milk crate challenge and not broke back mountain
Breaking news:
“SO SANTA DOESN’T BELIEVE IN FORGIVENESS?!?” – my 5 year old destroying the “naughty list” bluff is the best gift he could have given me
I’ve never Met Gala but I heard she’s weird.
*stomps feet during a tantrum, reaches fitbit step goal*
“If you can’t beat them, join them,” I say, as I join my kids in demanding someone make breakfast.
*asks every guy at speed dating*
“Are you going to drink that?”
When sewing, always remember pattern placement is key.
Big Foot rental costumes are surprisingly realistic and terrifying at 4am around the bonfire at the party I wasn’t invited to.
When it comes to politics I’m an agnostic. I don’t believe there’s an honest politician nor can I prove that one does not exist.
“I hate confrontation”
“No, you don’t”
me: if dracula bit jesus would he get drunk
priest: i’m going to have to check with the vatican and get back to you
A short story about romance.
[Ferrari dealership]
ME: How much for this red one?
SALESMAN: Oh, that’ll cost you a pretty penny
ME: *holding out penny wearing a small wig and lipstick*
SALESMAN: VA-VA-VA-VOOM!
You say “premarital sex” like there’s postmarital sex