[puts hand on wife’s stomach as baby kicks]
Come out here & try that.
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detective: take him away boys
video: *being dragged away* I DIDNT KILL THE RADIO STAR. I WAS FRAMED
YouTube: *flicks cigarette* the plan is going perfectly
I just saw where some woman got paid $40 for brushing her teeth on Only Fans.
I will be opening an Only Fans account forthwith and just argue with people all day. That’s my only skill. Except I do know how to brush my teeth so I guess I could do that too.
“You have a BA? Ooooh! Look at you! Well, I have a BA, an MA, & a PhD.”
– 3rd degree burn
“How cute. You have smile lines”
Me: those are from clenching my jaw
I’m weird but not “sit around the house with my shirt tucked in even though I’ve got no plans to leave” weird. That shit’s 4 serial killers.
Them: Yeah my cat is completely happy being vegan
Cat:
Let your kids play tetris all day so they develop the required skills to park at Trader Joe’s.
I have a huge advantage in Wordle because I have had the alphabet memorized for over 10 years.
i’m gonna write my will in cursive. if you want your inheritance, you’re gonna have to work for it
Hobos are like cats, they’ll let you pet them until you stop feeding them cat food.
My glasses are broken but I’ve got a glasses repair kit except I can’t find it because my glasses are broken
“Judy, if I don’t survive this vicious goose attack, always know that I loved you”
“my name is Denise”
Your prayers are needed. Today I’m gonna tell my screenplay that it’s adapted.
Vegans aren’t so bad. They taste like chicken.
‘Pizza Hut, can I take your order?’
Me: ‘May I speak with the owl, please?’
‘Who?’
Me: ‘Hahaha, that never gets old! Large pepperoni.’
Flat Earthers must lose their minds when they realize it’s called the atmosphere and not the atmoflat
When you donate sperm they ask if you have any “sociopathic tendencies”. I was like “other than creating people for money? ..No.”
Why is it called scissoring instead of clash of clams?
Canadian Tinder users are 56% male, 44% female and 33% holding a fresh trout
I just really think bacon should be called “fry”con
My boss: did…you make this powerpoint on company time
When you’ve simply given up.
“When I’m done shitting on your car I’m going to watch your wife undress through her window”-Birds
You can’t make everyone happy.
You’re not cheese.
Talking to my sleepy 9 year old and as a joke offered her some of my coffee. She said, “I can’t drink coffee, I’m not an old person yet,” and now I hate everything.
SKETCH ARTIST: *holds up drawing of a single bit of straw*
CAMEL: [in a wheelchair, tears in his eyes] That’s him!
casting director: can you play a Canadian?
me: eh?
casting director: [under breath] holy shit
If I’m busy and see an interesting article, I open it in a new tab, read the first paragraph, and later, when I have time, close the tab
teacher: there’s no such thing as a stupid question
me: are sharks just mean dolphins
teacher: ok i was wrong
There is no bond greater than the mutual respect of two former high school friends who refuse to friend each other on Facebook.
hot take but IMO the internet was better when it was just dorks and social outcasts. after they let hot people on here everyone got all weird